Need opions on this beginning... - Guild Wars Guru Archive

Krytan Explorer

[SFK] Sacred Forge Knights (founder)

Me/Mo

Joined Apr 2005

Jun 14, 2006 at 3:23 PM • #1

In the dark shadows of early morning he stood looking down upon the village he once called home. His pants soaked from walking through the high grass still covered in the morning dew. The young rays of light just cresting the hills far in the distance provided enough light to just make out the shadowy figures moving in from the east. These people forced his parents to send him away to the academy of arts. They feared his being different. His abilities to exploit death and bend reality scared them. He was had no great martial skills, was not a healer nor could he bend the elements to his will. Those things the people trusted, but his skills inspired nothing more than revulsion and fear. Despite this his masters had sent him here to intervene to save the people who had cast him aside and torn apart his family. As the shadows turned grey the time of decision grew short. His hatred for these people burned inside and tore apart his morals. What would he choose?

Markaedw

Desert Nomad

N/

Joined Nov 2005

Jun 14, 2006 at 4:53 PM • #2

Not bad for a nec/mes or a mes/nec, duty and loyalty over vengence. This one has potential.

Storm Crow

Desert Nomad

Children of the Order [CoO] -True Heroes Fight to Keep the Balance-

Joined Jul 2005

Jun 14, 2006 at 5:45 PM • #3

I agree with Mark, it has potential, but your scentence structure definately needs improvement. I saw at least two sets of scentences that would be better if linked with a comma, instead of separated by the period, otherwise, you have a good base set for a possible awesome storyline.

Cymboric Treewalker

Krytan Explorer

[SFK] Sacred Forge Knights (founder)

Me/Mo

Joined Apr 2005

Jun 14, 2006 at 9:51 PM • #4

Thanks... I wrote this in about 5 minutes while at work... so yeah sentence structure needs work... I actually like to use semi-colons. I also don't feel the flow is quite correct yet... and words must flow properly to paint the correct picture in the minds eye.

Cymboric Treewalker

Krytan Explorer

[SFK] Sacred Forge Knights (founder)

Me/Mo

Joined Apr 2005

Jun 14, 2006 at 10:05 PM • #5

[double post] -- sorry.

Cymboric Treewalker

Krytan Explorer

[SFK] Sacred Forge Knights (founder)

Me/Mo

Joined Apr 2005

Jun 14, 2006 at 10:05 PM • #6

In the dark shadows of early morning he stood focused on the shadowy figures back-lit by the young rays of light just cresting the hills in the distance; despite, pants soaked from a walk through tall grass still wet with morning dew. His masters had sent him here to protect the village despite their knowledge of his past and the hatred that burned inside him; it was these people that had torn his family apart and forced his parents to send him to the academy. His abilities to exploit death and bend reality were not respected like those of the martial warriors, healing monks, or element bending mages; they were feared. The time to make his decision grew near as the shadows turned grey and rage tore apart his morals. What would he choose?

[that a better revision?] -- still done quickly at home -- about ten minutes... I like this flow better.

Ristaron

Desert Nomad

Legion Of Valhalla

E/

Joined Mar 2005

Jun 14, 2006 at 10:49 PM • #7

If we're going into sentence structure, I have to add in my opinion of it.
While your grammar is technically correct in most places, you seem to not fully understand the semicolon.
When you have a sentence that can be two independant sentences, and it's divided on the end of the first part by a comma - that's a comma splice. Semicolons function mostly as a quick-fix to comma splices. If you have two independent sentences on either side, use a semicolon.

Quote: In the dark shadows of early morning he stood, despite pants soaked from a walk through tall grass still wet with morning dew, focused on the shadowy figures back-lit by the young rays of light just cresting the hills in the distance. The comma highlighted is the comma splice of these sentences. You should either make it a semicolon or a period.
The period would be a better choice in this case, since the sentences really aren't connected... one describes how he's standing, the other what he's focusing on.

Quote:

The time to make his decision grew near as the shadows turned grey and rage tore apart his morals; what would he choose? Generally, you also don't use semicolons to divide a 'period-sentence' and a question. It's just one of those unwritten rules that any professional editor would fix without a thought.

From a creative standpoint, the piece was a very good set-up. The conflict of interest and the two sides of the argument - duty and vengeance - posed a very interesting moral debate. The piece has potential.

Storm Crow

Desert Nomad

Children of the Order [CoO] -True Heroes Fight to Keep the Balance-

Joined Jul 2005

Jun 14, 2006 at 11:46 PM • #8

Quote: Originally Posted by Cymboric Treewalker

In the dark shadows of early morning he stood focused on the shadowy figures back-lit by the young rays of light just cresting the hills in the distance; despite, pants soaked from a walk through tall grass still wet with morning dew. His masters had sent him here to protect the village despite their knowledge of his past and the hatred that burned inside him; it was these people that had torn his family apart and forced his parents to send him to the academy. His abilities to exploit death and bend reality were not respected like those of the martial warriors, healing monks, or element bending mages; they were feared. The time to make his decision grew near as the shadows turned grey and rage tore apart his morals. What would he choose?

[that a better revision?] -- still done quickly at home -- about ten minutes... I like this flow better. Mind if I do a quick rewrite of your revision?

He stood in the dark shadows of early morning, focused on the shadowy figures that were back-lit by the early rays of light, pants soaked with pre-dawn dew. His superiors had sent him here to protect the village, despite their knowledge of his past and his raging hatred for these people: the ones who had torn his family apart, and forced him into the Academy. His innate abilities to exploit death and bend reality were not respected or understood like those of the warriors, healing monks, or element bending mages: they were feared. The time of his decision grew near as the shadows turned grey and rage tore apart his morals. What would he choose?

There. Three minutes revision.