Curse

berry · Feb 05, 2006, 09:59 PM // 21:59

ok people this going to be my first story ever, but il do my best.
and just 1 thing, i'm dutch and may have a little bad englisch so i can't use those fancy tolkien like words

and the spellign may not be completly correct

---

orophin... orophin... orophin wake up!
huh what?? wy are you waking me glenn?
don't you remember? baron egan wanted to speek to you.
i almost forgot! how long have i been sleeping?
almost an hour now.
darn, im too late, thanks for waking me , but ive got too go now.

as quick as he can, orophin ran back into the city gates and up the stairs towards baron egan.

ah there you are, sleeping wern't you? it's alright, it doen't matter, the baron smiled. now, the thing i wanted to speak with you about is that ive got a rather personal message to a relative in ashford abbey, i can't go myself beacause of the recent bandit raids sir tydus wanted me to take care of. would you be so kind and deliver the message for me?
of course, to who must i give it?
to my son.
how can i reconize him?
well, he wares the emblem of our family on his neckless around his neck, you do know how it looks like don't you?
yes i do.
good, and because you are willing for delivering my message, a little payment would be in it's place doesn't it?
oh that's not necessary mylord.
nonsence, heres 50 coins.
thank you mylord, i will go at once.
goodluck.

like he said, orophin leaved at once, and not very much later he arrived at ashford abbey with baron egans message.

ah theres mehnlo he might tell me were the baron's son is. hey mehnlo, do you know were the baron's son is?
he's back there, at the gravestones, just behind dwayna's statue.
thank you.
what are you doing here!? leave me alone! i did nothing!
calm down kid, i'm just delivering a messange from youre father to you.
ok.... i gues that's alright. he opended the message and a big grin appeared on his face, thank you for delivering this message, this is really good knews.
thats's great kid...
dont't call me a kid, i'm an adult just like you.
ok, ok , i jst wanted to ask you wy in whole ashford abbey, the area around the gravestones is so darn cold on a warm summer day?
oh, there are alot of storys about it, that this place is haunted and stuff, but i must go to my father at once, farewell.
hmm i think i'm going to stay at this place just a little bit longer.

as the day passed by and the sun sets, mehnlo aprouched orophin.

are you going to stay here?
yes, wy are you asking?
well, this really isn't a good place to spend the night you know, i can offer you shelter if you want.
no, il be fine.
are you sure you don't need anything.
well maybe a piece of cloth against the cold.
here, it's a bit old and dirty.
i don't mind.
ok, if you need anything just let me know.
i will.
after saying that he walked to the fence and leaned against it, he hid his sword underneath the cloth.

what was that!? i'm sure i heared something. out of nowere he saw something go to the catacomb entrance with high speed, but he could not identify it. he drawed his sword and walked to the entrance.
one moment he hasetated but then he walked in.
he couldn't nearly see anything, but then he saw a little glimp of light in a small hole in an old wooden door. he slowly approached the door and just at the moment he put his hand against it to push it open, a voice said
i wouldn't go in there if i was you.
who's there!?!? he firm hold his sword and looked around him were that voice came from.
then, munne steped out of the schadows, sorry if i scared you, you woke me wenn you entered the catacombs, i'm a very light sleeper.
you scared the hell out of me, but wy shouldn't i go through this door?
well, not many returned after entering it.
how come?
nobody knows, the only survivers got mad and get an panic attack wenn you only say hi.
strange, well i'm still going in there, theres something strange at this place and im going to find out what.
atleast take this lantarn with you, there are places in the catacombs were not even a slight bit of light can come.
thanks, il be going now.
he pushed the door open and as soon as he entered the door closed with a loud slam.
hmm, musst have bin the wind.
there was a small hole in the cealing wich the light came from he saw earlyer.
the only thing in the room was a stairs that went into the darknes under the ground.
well, here goes nothing, and he went down the stairs.
after a minute or two he finaly reached the end of the stairs, munne was right, it's pitch black down here, it's a good thing i got this lantarn.
suddenly in his eye angle he saw something jump away in to a hall.
the sooner i find what that was the sooner i can leave this godforsaken place.
and he followed it in the hall.
the hall was a dead end, but the left side of the wall was cracked open with a narrow tunnel behind it, and orophin guesed the thing had no other choice then enter the narrow tunnel, and so did he.
then he heared somebody whisper, but he could not understand what it was, this place give me the creeps he thought.
at the end of the tunnel there was a door that he entered, he came in a large hall, with a bridge of maybe 1 yard wide wich he could not see the end of over an endless deep gap.
knowing he had no choice he started to cross the bridge, end with each step the whispering got clearer, after a couple of minutes he could hear it claerly you do not belong here, leave now, or experience eternal suffering.
well you gotta do better to scare me of he quitly said. at that point a shivering cold surrounded him, and a skelaton spirit in a torn robe and with broken handcuffs around his wrists came from the endless darknes beneath the bridge, opening his hand that turned in a claw and slashed him in it's face leaving deep carves of blood in orophin's cheeks.
orophin fell on the ground and his sword fell from the bridge, he immedeatly stood up and grabed a stick from the ground and tryed to hit the spirit with a big yell. but he went right through it, he tryed to hit him again, and again, but he just keep going though him, wenn orophin saw it was no use, he dropped the stick and ran back were he came from, the spirit chased him, and made load schrill screams.
the screams got closer and closer but orophin didn't dare to look back.
wenn he finally saw the end of the bridge he saw no door! were is it! there was a door there! he yelled. the spirit made a loud shatering laugh, orophin was desperatly looking around for another exit while running and didn't saw the rock,tripped over it and fell in the endless darknes

to be continued...

berry · Feb 07, 2006, 06:26 PM // 18:26

people please say what you think of it, if it was great, thx, if it sucked, give some tips.

longboringname · Feb 07, 2006, 08:56 PM // 20:56

Pretty good, capitalize the letters and it'll be warm and toasty (I don't know what kind of metephore that was).

Also, use quotes before and after someone is speaking, it makes the reader not have to strangle themselves to figure out what your talking about. But other then that, the plot and setting are ok.

Story-9
Grammar-5.5

Symeon · Feb 08, 2006, 07:34 AM // 07:34

Cool man, pretty good writing. Keep up the skills

berry · Feb 13, 2006, 06:55 AM // 06:55

thx for the reactions guys, i now know my fantasy isnt the problem, but my grammar is. as i said i'm dutch, but i will try to work on it.
ive quit Guild Wars (aaaaaaaaaah) and now play WoW (yea yea, i know, only a fool pays that much money, WoW sucks, and all of that, but i think its cool :P ) , but i will still be writing storys for THESE forums every now and then, and not for WoW.

and again, thx 4 da tips

ryek09 · Feb 24, 2006, 01:04 AM // 01:04

Cool story