Curse

Leon_Ux-ixen · Mar 08, 2006, 07:10 PM // 19:10

Before you read this i'd as if you wish to us it for any reason please ask. I made this topic so to get commint so that I can better my writing skills.

~ ~ ~Truth Returned~ ~ ~

I closed my eyes once more, hoping for protection and true understanding.
I took something that was not mine, something that I did not want. I grabbed
that which was not for me and took in, and found my self hurting.

Every hour, every minute, every second my true self was being drained by
the lie. My heart and soul broken and open to attack. I kept hold of it, like a
ball of fire it brunt, yet my mind made it sweet as candy.

My soul and true self encaged in chains of lies and misunderstanding.
it screamed for freedom, and I ignored. Day by day I felt as if I was rotting away and something else replacing me. I felt more of soul draining then my sanity, I find myself ripping at my body like a crazed dog. Till the chains are broken by my true self.

My soul was like a bird freed from it’s cage. The pain slowly dripping away, my true self returning. I lied to others and myself and paid the price three fold. Now that I am back my life can move on. My true self and soul are back where they belong.

Storm Crow · Mar 10, 2006, 11:02 PM // 23:02

you want comments, you got em

1) Capitalize the first word in every line of the poem, be it the beginning of a scentence or not.

2) 'Burnt' is not a word, however it can be replaced with 'burned'

3) In the line about your 'soul draining', 'my' should follow 'of', after 'draining' there should be a comma(','), followed by 'and'.

4) 'Till' should either get apostrophe'd ('Till) or be replaced with 'Until'

healer of ascalon · Mar 11, 2006, 12:18 AM // 00:18

I think this is very meaningful but it doesn't sound very much like a poem to me. Maybe it needs to be more present tense? It might be just me.

Saox · Mar 11, 2006, 06:52 AM // 06:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leon_Ux-ixen

Before you read this i'd as if you wish to us it for any reason please ask. I made this topic so to get commint so that I can better my writing skills.

~ ~ ~Truth Returned~ ~ ~

I closed my eyes once more, hoping for protection and true understanding.
I took something that was not mine, something that I did not want. I grabbed
that which was not for me and took in, and found my self hurting.

Every hour, every minute, every second my true self was being drained by
the lie. My heart and soul broken and open to attack. I kept hold of it, like a
ball of fire it brunt, yet my mind made it sweet as candy.

My soul and true self encaged in chains of lies and misunderstanding.
it screamed for freedom, and I ignored. Day by day I felt as if I was rotting away and something else replacing me. I felt more of soul draining then my sanity, I find myself ripping at my body like a crazed dog. Till the chains are broken by my true self.

My soul was like a bird freed from it’s cage. The pain slowly dripping away, my true self returning. I lied to others and myself and paid the price three fold. Now that I am back my life can move on. My true self and soul are back where they belong.

Try and make it so that it breaks up and looks a bit more..."poetic?"

Entertainment wise, it really wasn't that satisfying, but writing poems is never an easy task, so don't be discouraged. What this does have is emotion, at least to me it seems so. If you don't mind, I would like to see another short poem and or song from you. The words are very nice, but they could be brought together in a manner which would make the story behind them so much more satisfying.

Good job, don't quit. Also, sorry for my awkward writing, but I'm a bit tired/bored/not tired/hyper at the moment. And seeing as it's 1:50 AM...yea.