Curse

TheRabbitLord · Oct 17, 2006, 09:17 PM // 21:17

The air reeked of death as blight consumed the cityscape. Bone minions wandered the streets, searching for souls to destroy to keep their own temporary life. Though fatigued by the effort, Zorin still cautiously walked the streets searching for the man he was looking for. Gray, long hair masked most of his dark, scarred face. Anger and hate seeped from him as if he possessed an aura. A black cloak swirled around his torso and legs. Though lengthy, it was the proper attire for the necromancer he is; as well as adding to his power with runes inserted into the fabric. A minion approached him; “Massster, Loderus wasss not within the pilesss of the dead. Ssshall we keep sssearching or leave the buzzards for the carrion?” Asked the minion with a slight speech disorder; though he did not have a mouth to begin with. . .
“Keep searching, captain, I know he is among the dead here whether he breathes the air I do or rests in the pits of the Underworld.” Ordered Zorin, vengeance sweeped about his eyes. “I may have been banished from Ascalon by him long before, by him, but I will be the one with a soul still in his body when this is over, whether it be or not already.”
“Yesss sir, but we do nnneed more sustenance as we die with every sssecond we hold our bodiesss together.” Zorin acknowledged this but did nothing as his mind wandered while he walked away.
“Blood of the Master.” He muttered under his breath, finally deciding he must. The spell escaped his body, taking with it his own life support but in turn healing his many minions searching the barren streets. “Though he beat me once before, I will be this victor with my new powers over death.”

“C’mon Loderus! We will be late to Master Mhenlo’s class if you do not hurry!” Said Zorin, gleefully through his teenage mouth.
Loderus smiled, “And may Dwayna bless us if we do end up late” Hurrying though the monk courtyard of Serenity Temple, Zorin and Loderus spotted Mhenlo and his class up ahead.
“Glad you could make it my ever-tiresome students.” Said Mhenlo with a hint of amusement, “You almost missed us, as we are traveling outside the temple to see a golem that has been ravaging Ascalon for two days and has now traveled over here. Also, with the new knowledge of Orison of Healing I am teaching you, we may actually survive the encounter!”
“Wouldn’t miss it for Ascalon itself, Master.” Solemnly said Zorin.
“You little suck-up!” Whispered Loderus when Mhenlo had his back turned.
“You would have done the same exact thing so calm down; besides we made it in time, right?”
“Whatever, well I guess getting in trouble would not be worth being your brother.”

End Part 1

For one thing i couldn't remember if Serenity Temple was elementalist or monks or whatever but i put that in there anyway. If you guys like I will continue with the story but if not there really is no point. . .

Anyway! Post your opinions

Shadowfrost · Oct 17, 2006, 09:35 PM // 21:35

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheRabbitLord

For one thing i couldn't remember if Serenity Temple was elementalist or monks or whatever but i put that in there anyway. If you guys like I will continue with the story but if not there really is no point. . .

Anyway! Post your opinions

Serenity Temple (in post-searing) has both monk and elementalist trainers.

It was nicely written. Probably better then I could do myself. Keep going, i'd like to see how it works out in the end.

TheRabbitLord · Oct 17, 2006, 09:37 PM // 21:37

thnx man

since i know at least one person likes it, i will continue

Timeless Logic · Oct 17, 2006, 11:12 PM // 23:12

I like this, but I have one stylistic point to make:

I'm sensing a bit of redundancy, at least in the opening lines.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheRabbitLord

Zorin still cautiously walked the streets searching for the man he was looking for.

Anger and hate seeped from him as if he possessed an aura.

Try these, as an example:

"Zorin willed his aching feet to move. This search would not turn up empty."

"An aura of anger and hate seeped from him."

I'm by no means telling you what to write. I feel that by cutting out some repetition and leaving room for reader inference you might improve the piece's flow. For example, my edit of the first quote doesn't state that Zorin is searching for a man, but the dialogue from the minion will tell that and more. Hopefully these comments did some good. I think this concept is definitely worth fleshing out (no pun intended).

TheRabbitLord · Oct 18, 2006, 10:30 PM // 22:30

Thnx for the advice, ive only been writing for a little while but i enjoy it so i do whether its good or not but ill take the advice and at least attempt to use it :P

TheRabbitLord · Oct 19, 2006, 08:40 PM // 20:40

Tired and covered with blood, Loderus hid behind a giant urn. His once clean, long, black hair now stood ragged and torn on end. A ripped, blue vest covered his fit body. Though everyone else around lay dead, he still teemed with life. A flesh golem approached his hiding place. Only an arms length away, the flesh golem stopped and looked around, sniffing the air for a live soul. Loderus held his breath, praying that being covered with blood would mask his presence. The flesh golem cried out and its body, though it looked like it would just fall apart, showed muscle rippling over its chest and arms and it charged at him. “Reversal of Fortune!” The spell escaped Loderus, leeching the rest of his energy. Though the golem attacked him, with his spell he regained health. Once healed he ran. Torn down or burned shacks went past him as he ran as fast as his body allowed. The only thing keeping him going was willpower to live.
While running he looked back, he saw the beast raging towards him; lust teemed from its socket less eyes and its thirst for blood ran through it. This has Zorin written all over it. He thought to himself, remembering past experience. Power is life’s greatest temptation. He remembered from one of Mhenlo’s many lessons.

The class ran through the temple out to the front gates. “Oh, Grenth’s awakening.” Mhenlo said to himself. He and the entire class stood in awe and fear of the towering beast that stood before them. Blood rushed from open veins, bone jutted out of its torso. Towering above them stood the largest flesh golem ever conjured. A figure stood in the distance behind the golem; completely covered with a black robe he masked his identity. The only visible unique feature was the skull-covered staff he carried. “Everyone run if you are incapable of smiting or hexing,” Ordered Mhenlo at the same time some of the temple’s elementalists arrived. “All others give it your best and may Dwayna have mercy on fallen victims.” Though they knew no hexes or smiting spells, Loderus and Zorin still stayed. Crouching behind a boulder, the two watched as countless spell casters fell from the beast’s wrath. Loderus glanced at Zorin and stopped; fascination and even maybe jealousy covered his face as he stared at the golem.
“Zorin, are you okay? Or do we need to leave?” Murmured Loderus to Zorin. He did not respond but still stared. Battle raged on but the golem’s blood soon ran out and it fell in a heap of carrion and decaying flesh. The masked man started running across desert landscape but a fireball from an elementalist knocked him down.
Hours later in the temple, Loderus sat on a stone bench alone. Zorin finally returned from the battle scene, a dark look on his face. “Guards identified the masked man as Ghial the Bonedancer. A known necromancer from Cantha.” Said Zorin. “Though why he is here in Tyria is still unknown. Did you see the power he possessed?”
“Yes,” Responded Loderus carefully. “Though I noticed you jealous of the power more.”

TheRabbitLord · Oct 19, 2006, 08:42 PM // 20:42

Sorry for confusion, if there was any, but the parapgraphs that are flashbacks are supposed to be in italics so u know the difference like the one above.

TheRabbitLord · Oct 19, 2006, 08:43 PM // 20:43

Safe from the possible scavengers and survivors of his havoc, Zorin rested in what was once Inn of the Nine Dragons. Two vamparic minions were posted outside his bedroom door. The solitude the inn provided was good but blood covered walls and corpses lying on the floor would prove unsuitable to most; though suited Zorin perfectly. A skull-covered staff lay next to Zorin. It was bone white with emerald encrusted skulls at the top. A sudden weakness abrupted his rest. He felt a disturbance in his connection with his minions. One had fallen. “Captain!” Called Zorin from his room. The bone minion limped in, covering the already blood-splattered floor with fresh blood. “How many of my men still survive?”
“Nnnine master.” It answered obediently.
“Which of the original ten has fallen?”
“The golem, sir. Would you likkke ussss to fan out and sssearch for it, sssir?”
“No, go in groups of three; if it is found report to me immediately.”
“Yesss, master.” The minion walked away, leaving Zorin alone and in silence.

Mutilated corpses of fallen allies covered the landscape. Above them all stood a heap of flesh that once was the golem. Zorin knelt to examine it. “You know it is disrespectful to the dead to trample their remains after a battle, Zorin.” Zorin looked up in surprise and saw Mhenlo striding towards him. “Though, quite a battle, eh?”
“Yes, sir.” He responded without emotion. Mhenlo saw how uncomfortable Zorin felt with him staring over his shoulder.
“This the first battle of bloodshed and death?” Asked Mhenlo.
“Yes, though what surprises me it the. . . the power that one man had that you and other monks and elementalists could not match.”
“That was necromancy at work you saw today. A necromancer holds great power, though at a great cost.”
“Does that cost equal the power the holder gets though?”
“Some might say but it is a very unholy practice.” At that, Mhenlo walked away, leaving Zorin to ponder on his own thoughts. Yards away, he saw the corpse of the man who controlled the golem. He walked over and knelt by it. Opening his cloak he saw a shrunken, pale white body. Scars covered the face of him. Noticing the staff he gripped in his lifeless hands, Zorin worked open the hand and examined the staff. Hearing the noise of clanking armor and voices, Zorin looked over his shoulder and saw Tyrian guards coming too inspect. Without a thought about it, he grabbed the staff and hid behind the golem to hear what the guards were to do.