Curse

Darky_shady · Jan 08, 2007, 11:28 PM // 23:28

I don't know if it is permitted to post non-Guild Wars related stories here. If it isn't, please move/delete this post. Thank you.

Hello, I'm a 15 years old medieval-fantastic fan and writter. I am actually writing a story about the great known demon Leviathan. I already put this story up on another Guild Wars site. I have received great comments and some helpful critics from people who didn't like it. That didn't satisfied me though. I would need your help to comment/criticize on this chapter. This is only the Chapter 1, I have the second one done at 50%. This chapter might have grammatical errors, etc and I also didn't put the dialogs like:

"Hey man, I like your armor!" said Bob, jealous.
"Haha thanks dude." replied Bobby.

I don't know if you get the idea but oh well

. I didn't do it because I didn't want the text to be too long in here.

Thank you and have fun reading.

Final Ritual

Chapter 1: The Decisive Battle

"Yes my Lord, said Ryu kneeling down, we will come back from our accomplished mission alive.".
Ryu, the courageous Dragon Master, had accepted the mission to kill the mighty sea serpent, Leviathan. He was a young Drakinfe with medium-long thin black hair falling in his red eyes. His helmet, which had the shape of a dragon, fitted right in his round shaped visage with his pointy nose. His mouth, filled with anger, expressed how much Leviathan had to be killed. He had wings incrustaded in his back and muscled arms. But his mind was full of love, and he wanted to share that love with Meiling. Getting up, he gently left the audience while Meiling, Draco and Sabery were waiting outside. Meiling was a beautiful Enchantress. She had sky-blue eyes and thin blond hair falling down her back. She had a charming nose and magnificent lips. Her pointy ears were a sign that she was an elf. She had some feelings for Ryu but her heart has already been taken by Draco. She is the only Enchantress alive. Draco and Sabery were brothers and they were both born of an elfic mother and a human father. Draco had chosen the path of the Dragon Master while Sabery mastered the arts of Paladin. Draco was bald, but no one ever knew because he would never take his helmet off. He had piercing brown eyes and a sharp nose. He was a mysterious human who met Ryu and asked him to get trained. He had no interest in Meiling. His elfic brother, Sabery, had keen black eyes covered by medium-long brown hair. He had the same nose as Draco but his ears where pointy. He started to learn the Paladin profession when he was 5. He didn't want to know anything about love. Ryu was in charge of the team for the mission the ambassador gave them.

The King Aram gave them the mission to travel to the Sea of Wonders so they can find Leviathan and slay it. A difficult mission it is. It will take days and days to find Leviathan, and to slay it with 4 people won't be easy. Leviathan is a giant sea serpent demon that comes from the Underworld. It has make his way on Dargoton thanks to the Persephones. The Persephones are a group of Wizards that do rituals and they recently discovered Leviathan's ritual so they summoned him. He is now at the Persephone's disposal, and could be use anytime to destroy Dargoton. We never really knew who the Persephones were, how many they were and where they hid.

The team left the Fortress and went straight to the docks. Ryu knocked at the cabin's door and ordered: "From the orders of King Aram, we, the Legion of Dargoton's Protectors, reclaim you're stronger boat that can resist the Sea of Wonders. We are off to slay Leviathan and we want to come back, triumphant". Without any reply, the dock master opened the door, with a confused face and a bottle of wine in his left hand. He was a bit drunk and thought this was a dream. So, with his right hand, he pointed the Ghost Boat. The Ghost Boat was the strongest boat in the world. It had a 2-floored deck and a sprag with two cabins with both 3 beds. The left cabin would be the 3 boys' and the left one would be Meiling's. It was named The Ghost Boat because the creator of the boat disappeared when he finished building it. Ryu didn't have any choice but to take it. The Sea of Wonders was very dangerous and they couldn't take the risk of using a less stronger boat that would sink. They would have to depart now. The faster they slay Leviathan, the less ravage he can do.

The departure was fast. They brought food and water that could last for at least 1 month. If the journey would be longer than a month, they would have to fish and drink rain water, if they can get some. The first day was smooth. Meiling was in her cabin almost all day to study her spells. Ryu and Draco, both on the deck, trained their dragon to fly higher and faster while having someone on their back. On his side, Sabery was mastering his sword slashing, hacking and piercing. He also reinforced his Herald Shield with some ore he brought. The day passed by really fast.

The second day, Meiling, who had to practice her sword skill, took out her Fleuret and said: "Bring it on Sabery.". "Haha...You're joking right? I would never hurt a woman." he replied. "Scared aren't you? You've already fought with a girl but lost right? You don't want to get humiliated again. Am I correct?" she asked. "No you're not. If you really want to fight me, then let's go.". Meiling casted Mana Shield and a Defense bonus on herself. Putting her Fleuret in front of her, she was ready for action. Taking out his Barong, Sabery picked up his Herald Shield on the floor. Starting the fight, Meiling slashed her Fleuret but Sabery blocked it and stroke back. The blue shield absorbed the hit and Sabery got knocked down on the floor. Putting her sword near Sabery's throat, Meiling whispered: "You've lost to a girl, again.". She then released it and walked away. "Hey that's not fair!, shouted Sabery, you never said your Mana Shield was enchanted by a Take Down Riposte.". Meiling's face just showed a little smile. "Land in sight!", suddenly shouted Draco, who was observing from the second floor of the deck. "Hey Ryu, Draco spotted a land.", said Sabery as he entered his cabin. "I'll go check.", Ryu replied as he got up his bed and started walking out of the cabin. Getting up the stairs, he said: "So, Draco, show me where is the land you see.". "To the South-East, it looks like an island, captain", replied Draco, as he started to laugh. "Hey, don't call me like that, grinned Ryu, let's go inspect that "island" anyways.".

After 8 hours of training and sleeping, they finally arrived on the island. The island had the shape of a star and the center was closed by a long wall. After seeing that wall, they decided to check what was inside of it. Both Ryu and Draco called out their dragons. Meiling hopped on with Draco and Sabery had no choice but to go with Ryu. Ryu, jealous, couldn't do anything except to keep his anger inside of him. The two dragons started to fly and were then high in the sky. Ryu could see a bunch of people in the middle of the star. He then ordered to his dragon and Draco's one to land inside the walls but silently so they wouldn't get caught. Once down, they observed the people and Ryu declared with rage: "The Persephones! I knew it... They are only four, so they hide here to make their rituals. But that's the end, we have to stop them!". Ryu, taking out his Double-Bladed Guisarme from his back silently, ordered to the three others to be ready for the assault. Draco, ready for combat, immediately took out his One Side-Bladed Naginata. Meiling, preparing her enchants, took out her Red Fleuret and made sign to Ryu that she was ready. Sabery took out his Black Barong and then, hesitant, he said: "I....I forgot my shield on the boat... I'll never be able to survive this...". "Don't worry, I brought a little friend of mine." replied Ryu, taking out a magnificent Cutlass and handing it to Sabery. "Thanks Ryu, I'm ready.".

Prepared for the battle, they sneaked up and started the confrontation. Meiling immediately started off with an Enchanting Magic bonus on her followed by a Strength bonus on the trio. Sabery took the lead by rushing in. He then violently stabbed a Persephone with his Cutlass while cutting off its head with his Barong. "You idiot!, shouted Ryu, why did you ran in like that!?". "I..I don't know... I think my rage took over me." replied Sabery. The three other Persephones, unarmed, started to recite something in an unknown language: "Ki-Tcho, Mahj-Bhad Klimu Dsfan Prowak Monyect...". "Shut up!, interrupted Ryu, we should have never let you run last time!". With those words, he swinged his Guisarme hardly and chopped off the head of another Persephone. Draco, at the same time, backed off his Naginata and then swinged it forward to penetrate the 3rd Persephone's heart. "...Badkek Leviathan!". The last one had time to say the final words before a Fleuret impaled him. "This is bad, said Meiling taking out her Fleuret from the corpse, why would he have pronounce Leviathan's name at the end?". "I have no idea, replied Draco, since Leviathan is already on Dargoton, he can't be summoned again.". "Or maybe there is two Leviathan..." added Ryu. For the first time, we could hear in his voice that he was frightened. "...Heh, no way! It's impos...". The ground then started to shake terribly. The walls then fell, the extremity of the island drowned, the Ghost Boat, solid, resisted the earthquake and only float on the water. "What's happening!?", asked Meiling, afraid. "Err.. I understand, the Persephones didn't summon Leviathan again, but they called him. So I think he's on his way here now. Be ready anytime for a massive fight.", Ryu said silently. A huge roar then resound. A gigantic wave then passed over the head of the four protectors. The wave then revealed the colossal sea-serpent that was making all this trouble. The monster was measuring at least 40 feet in length and 27 feet in height. Its scales were so shinny that they could obfuscate the sun. Its body and tail were full of giant hoofed toes measuring from 3 to 12 feet each. His mouth, holding 72 giant sharpened jaws, could tear anything. "It's Leviathan!, shouted Sabery, get ready everyone!".

Meiling, warned, casted a Magic Defense bonus on everyone, followed by a Strength bonus and a Vitality bonus on the trio. She then put herself in an attack position, her Fleuret full of blood in front of her. While she was doing this, Ryu and Draco, calling their dragons, put their polearm in front of them, just like if they were going to charge in. Sabery, with his right hand, took out his Barong from his back and with his left hand, took out his Cutlass forming an "X" in his back with the Barong. "Whenever you are ready guys.", Meiling said, determinate to end this. "Meiling, stay back. Draco, take the left side. I'll go the right side. Sabery, since you have no dragon, you'd better go in front of it. Draco, we will fly our dragons in our own direction and when you see my sign, we will cross in front of Leviathan so he gets lost. Sabery, when you see us doing that, try to damage its body. Draco and I will try to pierce his eyes. I'll cast paralyze on it at first and Draco, you will cast Bind. Start the attack when I say "Go!", said Ryu with a leader's voice... go!".

The battle for the faith of Dargoton had began. Ryu and Draco, as ordered, started to cast their spell. But Leviathan resisted the bind. "Err..", said Draco. "Don't worry, it's still paralyzed", Ryu replied. Meiling casted Magic Barrier on the four companions. Then, both of the Dragon Masters hopped on their dragon and flew in their own direction, as specified. Ryu waved to Draco. That was the signal. Sabery waited for them to cross. They both ordered their dragon to cross right in front of Leviathan and get as near as possible to its eyes. As they did so, Sabery started to run in the direction of Leviathan, a sword in each hand. Leviathan, confused because of the cross, took out his arms out of the sea and with his right one, he swinged his claws to try to hit one of the dragon. Unfortunately for him, his claws got stuck in the ground. Seeing this, Sabery took his Barong and tried to pierce the arm of the sea serpent. Without any consciousness, he took his Cutlass and did the same thing. Luckily, Meiling, who was aware, casted Protective Shield on Sabery just in time because Leviathan, suffering, swinged his other arm and hit Sabery who flew off, but didn't get hurt. At the same time, Draco and Ryu, still in the air, attacked the monster's eyes. Holding his Guisarme hardly, Ryu's dragon got near enough so Ryu, without hesitation, thrusted Leviathan's left eye followed by a Lightning Strike. Letting a high-pinched roar go, the sea serpent, blinded from one eye, violently attacked Ryu with his tail. Hitting the dragon, Ryu fell off and was going to crash down. Meiling immediately casted Slow Fall on Ryu, who fell gently on the ground, without any scratch but his dragon, unconscious, fell in the deep waters of The Forgotten Island. Draco, taking the occasion, casted Fire Ball on Leviathan's right eye and followed by a violent hit with his mighty polearm. With his bloody face, the monster swinged his head forward and backward and finally struck Draco, who dropped off his dragon, badly hurt. Sabery, who saw that, got enraged and decided to attack Leviathan's stuck arm again. But this time, Meiling who was busy taking care of Draco, couldn't help him. Unfortunately, his arm got un-stuck and his vicious claws penetrated Sabery's chest. Screaming of pain, he fell down on his back, lying almost dead. Draco, who couldn't control himself, pushed Meiling away and called his dragon. Without any consciousness, he picked up his Naginata on the floor, hopped on his dragon and attacked Leviathan. Hearing the dragon's wings, the monster immediately swinged his tail and whipped Draco, who got knocked down and got lost in the water too. Meiling, feeling horrible that she couldn't help Draco, ran off to Sabery. Ryu, on his guards, protected Meiling while she tried to cure Sabery. Leviathan, who was blind, swinged his bloody tail in every directions to hit the 3 bodyguards of the ambassador. The tail coming their way, Ryu fastly casted a Lightning Bolt who deeply cut Leviathan's extremity. Shrieking of pain, the sea serpent returned in the deep waters to recover from the shock. Meiling, who thought that Draco was dead, started to cry of sadness and joy at the same time. She thought everything was finished. "Don't cry Meiling, said Sabery half-dead, Draco will come back, I know he will...". "Don't talk Sabery...I don't want to lose you too" replied Meiling, crying. A gigantic head then appeared and monstrous jaws landed on Sabery's head, which exploded in blood right away. "No! Sabery!", screamed Meiling. "You awful beast! You shall pay for this! This is for Draco and Sabery, my 2 best friends you've killed...", shouted Ryu. And with those words, he fastly cast Stun on Leviathan and he swinged his Guisarme backwards and, with all the strength he had, swinged it forward and thrusted Leviathan's forehead. Blood spread everywhere. "Did....did you get it Ryu?", asked Meiling with fear. "No... I don't think he's dead...", replied Ryu, silently. All of a sudden, a majestic spear pierced the monster's body, right between 2 fierce scales, in the heart's direction. Leviathan, roaring brutally, immediately fell on the shore, dead. "My work is done here...", someone said. Then, a grand wyvern flew off, directed to the North. "Who....who was that person...how...how did he slay Leviathan with that spear...?", questioned Ryu. "I have no idea..., replied Meiling, but... look! Who is that person coming, over there!?", she then asked with joy. "It's....It's my dragon! With Draco on it's back!".

Draco, still alive, waved to his friends, but didn't see Sabery. He suddenly asked himself: "Where....where's my brother...what happened when I was down there...". Arriving on the island, with great joy, he asked: "What happened to my brother?". Ryu, without any words, sadly pointed the pierced corpse of Sabery, headless. "No...this can't be...", said Draco, falling on his knees, half crying. "I'm so sorry Draco.", replied Meiling, trying to recomfort him. "Thanks to him, we have vanquish Leviathan. Thank you, Sabery. May you rest in peace.", declared Ryu. "How did...how did the death of my brother helped you to slay Leviathan?", brutally asked Draco. "He builded up our rage and Ryu was able to thrust his head. But, we don't think that killed him. In fact, a strange man flying a huge wyvern killed it, with that spear." said Meiling as she pointed the spear, deeply in the beast's body. "How...how could that simple spear put to death a monstrous serpent..?", asked Draco. "It's simple, said Ryu, his spear caught Leviathan right between 2 scales. Just like if I'd hit you in the cracks of your armor. The spear, thrown with a huge strength, made it's way to the heart and thrust it. That's why Leviathan roared when the spear got between his scales, and fell when it hurt his heart.". "I see...At last, Leviathan is dead. Sabery's murderer is finally slaughtered, silently said Draco with a smile gently growing on his face, we should return to the Embassy. But what to do with my brother's corpse?". "Sorry Draco, but we have to leave it here.", answered Ryu, sadly. "I agree, replied Meiling, since it's headless, we can't bring it with us.". "I..I understand...I still can't believe he's been killed...Let's leave...please...", said Draco, sad-looking. Hopping on his dragon, Ryu waved to Meiling. "I think we should leave Draco alone on his dragon.". "Yea..You're right.", replied Meiling, saddened. "Are you ready Draco? Our boat is waiting on the other side of the island, if it survived.", questioned Meiling. "Yea...I'm ready.", replied Draco, getting on his dragon. They then flew up high in the dark, cloudy sky. "There's the Ghost Boat!", said Meiling, as she pointed the boat. "Rain will start falling and the wind will rise... Let's go, fast.", said Ryu, calm. Landing on the deck of the boat, the two dragons let the passenger drop off and then went to sleep. "You guys go get some sleep, I'll navigate the boat.", ordered Ryu. "Yeah, that's a good idea.", replied Meiling, yawning. "I'll be in our cabin Ryu...", said Draco.

The journey was smooth but long. Tough winds had risen. It made it difficult for Ryu to control the ship. It was very calm. Ryu was trying to find out who was that stranger, riding a wyvern, Meiling was in her cabin, worrying about Draco, but happy that the mission was accomplished and Draco was in his cabin, thinking. About what? We don't know. For three days, Meiling and Ryu relayed sailing each 6 hours. While Meiling was navigating, Ryu slept in her cabin. On the fourth day, Draco finally showed up, in a good mood. "Well, I think I finally got over it. I will miss my brother a lot, but I can live without him...I hope.", he said. "I'm glad to hear that, replied Ryu getting up the stairs, I think it's my turn Meiling.". "Draco! I'm so happy to see you're fine, said Meiling, awww, fine Ryu.". "Continent in sight!", shouted Draco, with joy.

"Ghost Boat in sight, whispered the dock master to himself, so this wasn't a dream and they finally did it. Hey, you!, he said, addressing a passing Royal Guard, go warn my Majesty Aram that the Legion of Dargoton's Protector are coming back from their mission, and that they will arrive in approximately 1 hour.". "Yes sir.", replied the Royal Guard. Mounting his horse, he went straight to the King's Fortress to deliver the message. "I have a message of the highest matter for Lord Aram.", said the Royal Guard. "You may pass.", replied the Sentinel. "My Lord, said the Guard kneeling down, the Legion of Dargoton's Protector are on their way to the docks. They will arrive in approximately 40 minutes.". "Well, what are we waiting for, replied Aram, let's get moving to the docks.". Nearing the docks, the passengers of the Ghost Boat, surprised, watched the amazing parade of Lord Aram, leading in the front. "I welcome you back on the continent my friends, welcomed Aram, what good news do you bring?". Ryu, taking the lead, replied: "We have a good and a bad news. The good one is that both the Persephones and Leviathan were defeated. The bad one is that we lost a man in combat. Sabery Pallaton to be exact. His brother, Draco, is with us at the moment.". "I'm proud of you three. Draco, I'm sorry for what happened to your brother and I feel guilty of his death. You shall all be honored as you deserve.", Aram said. "In fact my Lord, we didn't actually slayed Leviathan.", quickly added Meiling. The crowd then started to wonder if Leviathan was actually dead. "A strange person flying a wyvern appeared and throw a spear that directly hit between 2 scales of the monster and pierced it's heart. We shouldn't be honored, she continued, and unfortunately, we don't know who that person is.". Ryu immediately replied: "Actually, I know who it is. Do you remember the recruit that Lord Aram asked us to train? He is the one. When he left us, he was well trained, but he wanted to be stronger so he took other challenges and he grew stronger than all of us.". "How can you be certain of this?", asked Aram, talking for Draco and Meiling, who were confused too. "It's simple, he was the only one I knew that was using spear and when I examined the spear inside Leviathan's corpse, I saw that it had 4 blades and that the grip had a blue star on it, just like the recruit's one.", continued Ryu. "Is he correct?", asked the Lord to Draco and Meiling. "He is. The recruit's spear was exactly the same as he described.", replied Draco. "We trained him well didn't we?", added Meiling. "You did a great job. I sure am proud for what you did. You trained someone that has overpowered you, and you slaughtered the Persephones. You deserve the highest respect.", replied Aram. Everyone started to kneel around the 3 adventurers, even Lord Aram. The group, bowed and added: "Thank you."

This is how it all started. It actually started by the end.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Unreal Cyn · Jan 10, 2007, 04:40 AM // 04:40

Right up, you shouldn't worry about the space between dialogues - just make more individual posts. It makes reading stories on the computer that much easier on the eyes! As for the story itself, it's interesting, but pretty confusing as well. I have an idea what the folks are up to, but it felt really rushed to me, and the battle scenes lost me. The names for the weapons had me kinda lost too (I had to Google things like Naginata). (And btw, since I own a cutlass, you can't actually stab anyone with it.)

I don't know if it's just me, but somehow I couldn't picture the characters in my head either, save for the girl, and that's cause she's the only girl.

But keep going, this is only my humble opinion. I'd like to see you continue with this!

Darky_shady · Jan 10, 2007, 06:09 PM // 18:09

Ok

I'll try to put spaces between dialogs.

I don't know how you got confused in this story though :P I posted it on guildwars.ogaming and most of the people told me it was clear and pretty nice. I thought the battle scenes were clear too but since you got lost I don't know what to do.. I'll have to gather more opinions on that though. I found the names of the weapons on wikipedia and I played Final Fantasy XI for a while and they have real weapon names which helped me a lot.

I'm happy your telling me you can't stab with a cutlass. I was always hesitating with that one. Thanks

.

I'm sorry you couldn't figure the characters out, but I'm not really good to describe people XD.

I'm glad you liked it and I'm already done with chapter 2 which I worked on for atleast 3 weeks. You will surely get lost in that one too

. I'll post it up soon.

Thanks again and later

~Tom