Curse

simone · Feb 27, 2007, 03:12 AM // 03:12

One day an bored archer walked along a dirt path leading to ascalon city to sell a mini seige turtle. He came across a general and said'Hi, can you please explain to me what is happening to the sky?', the general looked up and barked at the archer'nothing is happening to the sky!' the archer looked up and said'why, i didn't know that.' . A mesmer walked by and replied'What is happening to the sky?'. The general said the same thing but then the mesmer simply sat down on a poor scale larvae, apologized, then sat down on the grass, still looking up. A dumb warrior and a smart ele walked by, saying in unison'what is happening to the sky?', the general simply walked away. what really happened is that all the people were tourists, the general very used to Ascalon sky, which is very red. The tourists were very confused, running around and screaming "THE WORLD IS GOING TO END, THE SKY IS FALLING! RUNNNNNNN!'. The ele and the warrior fleed back to Cantha, the archer hibernated in a cave, hiding, and the mesmer just asked someone if the sky really was like that, they said it was, and she was happy. The End,or is it....?

GedLongbow · Feb 27, 2007, 11:06 PM // 23:06

What the hell was that story!? No offence, but that was pointless.

Brother Doug · Feb 27, 2007, 11:18 PM // 23:18

...um...okay?
Not the best piece of writing I've seen. If I may give you a few pointers?

1) When using quotation marks, unless the same character from a previous speech is talking, try and make a new paragraph.
Example:

One day, an archer was walking along the road. He saw a little girl.

"Hello, little girl!" The archer smiled and waved.

"Why howdy, mister archer! My name is Gwen," the girl replied. Gwen then proceeded to burn a hole through the archer's chest with a fireball.

2) Correct grammar is your friend. Place commas in the right spots, space out your sentances into paragraphs, and it will look much nicer.

3) Your story is overall confusing. Why does the general not see anything strange about the sky? Why is everyone asking about it? Is it the Searing? Give us a bit more information, unless you're planning to give us that in a later installment.

4) Descriptions- also your friend! I'm not saying you have to tell us the shape of someone's buttons, but give us a bit more. If you just call the warrior "dumb," we have no idea what the warrior looks like. Is he fat? Is he thin? Is he dashingly handsome? Is he dressed in Fissure Armor? Heck, is the warrior a 'he' at all? A bit of description works wonders, and helps put a picture in your head.

Well, I hope that helps you improve next time.

-Brother Doug