Curse

angelexperiment · Apr 19, 2007, 10:41 PM // 22:41

I love writing and when I'm older, I want to be an author so I thought I'd put some stories up here and see if anyone liked them. I'll put the first chapter up first of something i've been writing for a few months because I want to know if it's worth carrying on.
Also, feel free to add your own stories or poems, Guild Wars related or not. If you want me to write a story about your character, give me a setting, tell me what profession it is (basic information) and I'll do what I can. I love writing but I need practice. Any constructive criticisms are welcome, nasty comments are not.

Chapter 1

It was Christmas time and all of Featherstone had been decorated with merry colours and eye catching decorations. There were jolly folk, wrapped in coats, scarves and gloves in a variety of reds, blues, greens, whites and any other colour you can imagine, roaming the streets, cheerfully singing Christmas Carols. There were teenagers, little kids and adults, embracing the gentle snowfall, which was dancing gracefully to the melodies being sung below. Rooftops had Santa’s sitting in sleighs being pulled by reindeers, or there would be flashing lights, brightening the dark sky. Layers of snow were sleeping on the rooftops and the ground. Several fires could be sighted through peoples windows and all were welcome to join in the festivities. The entire town was bright and beautiful and the people happy, rosy cheeks glowing and eyes alight with the spirit of Christmas. All except for two people, who remained inside, very solemn indeed.

They were both women. The oldest one was 70, with short, white, curly hair and kind brown eyes which appeared sad, as if they had witnessed many terrible things during their time. They shined brightly, but were getting duller by the minute. Her face was wrinkled and stern, though it was usually kind and happy. She was fairly short, but then again her whole family were, though not unusually short . She wore white earrings, a white blouse and a red long skirt with tights and red slippers. Her name was Tru.

The other woman, her daughter, was about 47. She greatly resembled her mother. Her hair was short and curly but brown instead of white. Her eyes were kind but not as wise or bright. She was looking very serious and distressed. She was also short like her mother. She wore a casual light blue top with black three quarter trousers and some white trainers. She was nervously wringing her hands in her lap, chewing the inside of her cheek, waiting for her mother to explain the matter that seemed so important that it must be said before she passed away.

The room was square. The walls were bare, except for pictures of family and a few Christmas decorations. The wallpaper was white with a border of flowers half way down. There was one three seater settee and two single seater chairs. They were all a faded red colour. One of the chairs had a blanket covering it, as the dog loved to sit on that particular chair. The two women were sitting on the three seater. There was a radiator beneath the huge window, whose curtains were drawn. There was a fireplace against the front wall and a TV stood in the corner.

Tru stared at her daughter, as if in a trance, for several minutes, her eyes continually dimming. She blinked and sighed. She cast her gaze downwards. She looked up and made eye contact with her daughter, Julie.
“I don’t have much longer.” She began speaking slowly and carefully. Her voice croaky and rough, yet not unkind. “And this is very important. Please, do not tell anyone, especially not Miley, until I send a sign.”
“Mother, what are you talking about?” Julie was curious yet wary. Her mother had been known to have some problems with her mind when she was younger.
“Just promise me that you won’t tell anyone.”
“I’ll go phone the doctor mother, you’re not well.” Julie began to rise.
“PROMISE ME.” Tru demanded. Julie slumped back in her chair and let out an exasperated breath. Reluctantly, she slowly nodded her head, her lips tightened.

Tru inhaled deeply and opened her mouth to begin, then shut it, as if unsure how to proceed.
“This is going to be hard for you to understand. So I’ll have to prove it to you somehow but in our family, there is a…” She paused as she searched for the right word. “A ‘gift’ as it were.” She saw Julie’s bemused face and sighed.

“Mother…” Julie began just as Tru burst into a coughing fit. “Mother!” She screamed. Tru waved her hand to signal that she was ok. She stopped coughing and patted her chest.

“That’s better.” She said, as if commenting on the weather. “So as I was saying…” She carried on in a whisper barely audible after that. Julie was sat there, nodding her head, not believing a word of what she was being told, humouring her mother. She tried interrupting several times, which resulted in her mother snapping at her to be quiet. When she finally finished talking, Julie just had to get her word in.

“Mother, this is preposterous! How can that be possible? All those things you mentioned do not exist. Angels, mermaids, elves, goblins…”
“Dwarves” Tru corrected her.
“I don’t care, listen to me. They. Do. Not. Exist. Have you been taking your medication?” Julie ranted.
“There is no need for me to take it any longer. I do not plan on sticking around” Julie’s mouth snapped shut and her eyes widened. Tru’s voice had transformed from a croak to a royal, posh voice of a 19 year old. She wondered what brought this on. “Please, do not carry on like this. I am not ill, like all your earthly doctors think. I have never been able to think clearer.”

Suddenly, Tru’s brown eyes turned white, her hair grew slightly longer and straighter and changed to brown. Her skin smoothed out, as if all the wrinkles had been smoothed out by an iron. Her skin went pale and her lips red. She grew taller. Then, her body curled up into the foetus position, as if she was in pain. Her body straightened as if she had been whipped in the back. Then, to Julie’s amazement, wings shot out of her back! Tru screamed bloody murder. The wings were about 5ft long and were of the purest white. The feathers were soft and looked like a swan’s. She stopped screaming and straightened up.

Tru’s long skirt and blouse transformed into a gorgeous pale blue dress, and the slippers into pale blue stilettos. The dress had no sleeves but two bits of material to tie behind the neck to hold it in place. The top half of the dress hugged Tru’s torso and hips, which were now slender and elegant. The bottom part of the dress flowed outwards, rippling like the ocean and when it reached her feet, it rounded off. Also, she was wearing a necklace with a yellow pendant in the shape of a crescent moon, with the points facing upwards. She had always worn this necklace, ever since she had been given it, which was so long ago she couldn’t remember.

The dog ran into the room and yelped when she saw her owner. She sniffed her and tried jumping up but fell right through her. Julie had been too occupied watching her mothers transformation to realise that her old human body was laying crumpled on the floor.
“Mother…?” Julie looked at the ‘ghost’ then the body, then the ghost again. She was so confused, what just happened? The ghost smiled.

“Don’t worry about me darling.” Tru’s spirit said in an otherworldly voice. “I’m dead now, that thing I just told you about, has happened to me. I can move on. Do not be sad. Rejoice! For I am happy. Make sure Miley gets her Christmas present from me. It’s very important and will play a huge part in her life. Look after Penny for me will you?” She gazed lovingly at the dog, who sat and whimpered. “Goodbye, we will meet again.” and she turned around and flew up, through the ceiling and to heaven, or where ever it is angels go.

Julie was shocked into a stunned silence. She just stared at the body for what must have been minutes, maybe even hours. Then, when she realised what had happened, she wept.

I won't put anymore. It would be too long and that is also the end of chapter one. What do you think?

Storm Crow · Apr 19, 2007, 11:58 PM // 23:58

Wow...uhm...Your introduction paragraph made me not want to read your story.

There were a lot of grammatical errors and it made me shiver.

First - The word "I" should always be capitalized.

Second - When you use terms such as "first", "second", etcetera always spell it out. This includes any number lower than and including one hundred.

Third - If something is a proper noun, make it known. You didn't capitalize "Guild Wars" when you put it in your sentence.

Fourth - Using "chat talk" implies that you are not serious about your topic. Avoid it as much as possible.

Fifth - If a word is important use bolds, italics, or underlines to show it. Capitalizing implies shouting, and cosmetically it appears unappealing.

Sixth - You're sentence structure could use a little work...

This would probably have been much longer if I'd read what else you'd written, so I didn't, but this is what I caught from skimming it over:

Double space or use Guru's

indent

feature to separate paragraphs. Simply hitting the enter button doesn't give a prominent enough separation.

I caught the words "Christmas" and "phone". I assumed this was Guild Wars related, and there is no "Christmas" in that Realm. Also, there is no electricity and hence, no phones.

I hope this helps.

[EDIT]: Please excuse my double post.

angelexperiment · Apr 20, 2007, 04:19 PM // 16:19

Nope, it's not Guild Wars related and the reason I didn't type anything properly last night was because it was the middle of the night and i was tired. Thank you though, I'll change that

angelexperiment · Apr 22, 2007, 12:15 PM // 12:15

If I get a certain amount of replies to this, I will post the next chapter as well