Curse

angelexperiment · May 07, 2007, 07:12 PM // 19:12

Hey. I'm Gemma. Thanks for coming to read my story. This is only the first chapter of it. I started it last night but I have worked hard on it. This is not Guild Wars related. Any comments are welcome, especially constructive ones. I know this is not brilliant and there are many mistakes, but i'm looking forward to reading your comments. Thanks

It began just like any other ordinary day. The beaming sun was gently cooking the tourists, who were roaming the streets, sunbathing on the golden beach or swimming in the turquoise sea. Idle chatter flowed freely, kids were throwing tantrums, causing a ruckus. The sea was occupied by people of all ages, swimming around, splashing or just paddling. The sun reflecting from the sea was making it hard for people to see very far. Just a normal day.

However, further out to sea, where the beach was just a yellow line on the horizon, the sea was rough, churning and thrashing, jolting and splashing. If anyone had been on a boat, they would have been in grave danger. But, before they rode to their doom, they would have noticed a forest, shown through a man sized hole which was suspended in mid air.
The forest consisted of the purest green imaginable, which didn't even exist in this reality. The trees were in full blossom, with rich brown trunks, healthy green leaves with beautiful flowers. The ground was fairly even, with a rut here and a bump there. The forest floor was a deep emerald green, with animals everywhere you looked. Animals which did and didn't belong in this world. In the background was a beautiful lake of blues and greens, all mixed together. Animals gathered there to drink, none of them fighting or killing.

There were no artificial paths, no hand made, repulsive factories, no construction workers or despicable machines attempting to destroy this forest. It was as if people had never stepped foot in that gorgeous paradise. The sun was shining merrily, a vivid gold, yet not overly hot, and it didn't glare down upon its world like our sun did.

The only sounds were of animals living in harmony, of the wind caressing the leaves as it brushed past on its mysterious, never ending journey. The water in the lake was gently lapping against the shore, animals slurping the nectar. There was squeaking, chirruping, whistling and cawing, singing and humming, pecking noises and more indescribable sounds, which were more like music than anything else.

Suddenly, a high pitched scream penetrated the melody. Hooves could be heard, pounding against the grass. Arrows were released from their bows, twanging through the air. The arrows would miss their targets and make a thump noise as they flew into tree trunks. One even hit an innocent rabbit, which caused a lady to gasp. The horses must have been galloping at full speed for quite some time, as the one in front started to canter, and the lady urged it to speed up again. Finally, an arrow struck true.

It shot through the lady’s shoulder making her bite her lip and groan. Her face transformed from a mask of worry, to a look of sheer terror and incredible pain. She fell off the horse and fell through the portal, stopping in mid air, a few inches above the ocean.

“Serena!” A male voice called. He sounded about nineteen at the oldest. He leapt through the portal after her, also stopping before hitting the water. A green light radiated from his hands as he used magic to keep himself and Serena out of the water. He walked through the air to reach her but someone else, who was armed with a bow, fell between them.

“She’s mine, give up now!” A gruff voice said. The speaker was in his early twenties. He had short, jet black hair which he spiked up. He wore a dragon tooth earring in his right ear. He was clean faced and had piercing, purple eyes. He possessed a strong jaw which jutted out slightly. He wore blue jeans and a sleeveless black top. He was barefoot. A sinister grin greeted the younger boy.

The younger boy was a contrast to the man. He had fair hair, which was slightly longer and swept over his forehead. He had pale blue eyes. He sported a defiant look upon his face. He lips were a straight line, a trait he possessed when worried. He was broad and muscular, he was topless and wore some green combat trousers. He was also barefoot, as he had been following the chase through out the trees.

“If you want to save your girlfriend, you’ll have to go through me.” Proclaimed Amethyst, the elder of the two boys.

“I’m not fighting you here,” exclaimed Cyan. Amethyst snorted.

“I suppose I’ll be taking her with me then.” Amethyst said in a bored tone. He gave Cyan one last malicious glare, knowing what would happen, though he got a huge surprise. It wasn’t quite what he had expected.

Cyan’s eyes glowed bright green and the dark green light surrounding him strengthened as he spoke in the language of magic to save Serena. His hair blew upwards and he opened his mouth wide to chant and save her life.

“Ab imo pectore, Amor est vitae essentia, Auribus tenere lupum, Amicus verus est rara avis, Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit ...” Amethyst interrupted Cyan here, by tackling him and knocking him into the water.

Serena had been laying there, the whole time just watching and listening to them. Her eyes widened as she translated what Cyan had said. When he got interrupted she screamed. He was intending to send her back home, far away. Instead, because he stopped half way through, something entirely different happened.

She glowed purple, her blonde hair, which was tied back in a ponytail, was released to flow freely. Her arms spread out, her back arced. First, her hair turned black. Her face turned bright red with a bit of white. Her eyes changed from blue to pure white. Her black trousers were suddenly not trousers anymore, but her faded yellow legs. Her feet, which did have a pair of white trainers on, became webbed. She sprouted a tail, wings, with a span of eight feet emerged from her shoulder blades, her head became rounder, her face more triangular.

At the end of the transformation, she was a swan. She had black feathers every where, a pair of pure white eyes, a bright red beak with a tip of white on the end. Yellow legs and feet.
She shrunk to about an eighth the size she should have been. When she was at the right size, a circle enveloped her and solidified. She could be seen through the crystal until it turned purple and hid her from preying eyes.

The ball landed in the sea with a splash. Neither of the boys noticed though because they were too busy gasping for air, then continued fighting. As the ball floated away, drifting gracefully along with the current, the boys stopped fighting and gazed in every direction, trying to find her. They hadn't seen anything, because they had been under the water. As they surfaced, the ball began it's mysterious journey.

They couldn't find her anywhere, so both resigned back to their world through the portal. Amethyst went first, vowing to return to capture the girl.

Cyan paused before following him. He could just see the outline of something purple in the sea., but decided it was unimportant so ignored it. Tears began to cloud up his eyes. If Amethyst got Serena, he would kill her. He had to find her first, somehow. He climbed back through the portal and regretfully closed it. He took one last glance into the other world and saw the purple ball again. He was sure he could see a black swan in it, who suddenly became human, with golden locks, big blue eyes and an expression of fear upon her pretty face.

"Serena!" He yelled. He put all his emotions into that one word. Love, for Serena, hatred for Amethyst, fear, loss and sadness. He about to dive through the portal, to rescue her but just as he jumped, the portal closed and instead, he landed head first on the soft, springy grass of the forest. He began to cry, though more for Serena than the pain now erupting in his head.

ravensong · May 07, 2007, 07:39 PM // 19:39

I can see your writing improved!

I`m in no position to give a constructive criticism but just keep it up!

God Gamer · May 07, 2007, 08:00 PM // 20:00

i agree with ravensong keep up the good work, great wrighting style aswell

angelexperiment · May 07, 2007, 11:03 PM // 23:03

By the way, in case anyone points this out, I have made a few mistakes in there, but don't worry, I am sorting it out. I have printed this (and one other) story out and I am now rereading them, highlighting and correcting every mistake I find to improve this as much as possible.
Next part of the story is below :P

After several days of floating in the sea, the purple ball, which held Serena captive, was finally swept ashore on what appeared to be ruins of some sort of castle. Many of the walls were crumbling and were covered in moss. The grass was over grown and had crept up to the walls. Some walls were higher than others, some were gradually being eroded by the rough sea, which would bite at it when angry.

Kids had obviously been there at some point. There were graffiti on most of the walls, cigarettes and boxes on the floor, empty alcohol cans and bottles. There were empty spray paint cans, tires, and even the odd sock or shoe laying in the grass, abandoned, waiting for the day its owner would return.

On the whole, the place was derelict and at the time, abandoned. The place might once have housed a magnificent castle, full of merry people, servants, jesters and may once have held delicious banquets for the higher people in society, with the best food and the best drinks. It may have been covered in the most beautiful, expensive materials, like the loveliest silk known to man.

It was possible that there was once a gigantic library which possessed the rarest books, sealing away their hidden knowledge for the next curious person to read and they would sit in royal red arm chairs, sitting beside the fire, reading to their hearts content.

There would probably have been a kitchen, with the best foods, the best drinks, the most professional, talented cooks!

Once, there would have been a glorious garden, full of pretty flowers, with inviting aromas and a variety of eye catching colour. There would have been animals frolicking through the grass, jumping in to the pond, which had now dried up, swimming and playing together.

Serena gazed out of the purple tinted ball, imagining what this place could have been like in the prime of its life. It reminded her of her home. Every intricate detail she noticed about the place, brought back memories. In her ideal world, these ruins looked a lot like her home.

She shook those thoughts out of her head. She took in the overgrown grass, the litter and graffiti, the moss and wished she could have been there to stop this from happening. It made her want to cry. Her home could be like this soon, sooner than she would have liked. She took advantage of everything she used to have, she hated it.

She despised always having everything there for her, not being able to do anything for herself. It would make her irritable so she would spend as much time out of the castle as possible. Instead, she would go horse riding, practise sword fighting, practise her aim with bow and arrow, she would even go into the town and buy things for the needy people. Her parents didn't know she left the castle grounds though. If they had found out...

Serena's train of thought was lost, as she had moved her arm to wipe away her tears. She didn't have an arm anymore. It was a wing, instead, that greeted her now white eyes. She could see her now red and white beak, which had once been her nose and which wasn't large enough to see when human, if she looked down. She was no longer human. She would somehow have to revert this spell, but how?

God Gamer · May 09, 2007, 06:21 PM // 18:21

keep up the good work and great cliffhanger

angelexperiment · May 09, 2007, 06:24 PM // 18:24

Thanks God Gamer ^^. I'm trying my best.

ravensong · May 09, 2007, 07:23 PM // 19:23

MORE!

*bangs on the table with his fists*

angelexperiment · May 09, 2007, 07:26 PM // 19:26

:-D Sorry, you'll have to wait. That's as far as I am at the moment. I'm not supposed to write for too long every day. I do write more every day though, so if I get more readers, I'll post every day.

Next part is below and I think it is starting to get bad again now :\ tell me what you think. I think it's a disaster

Meanwhile, a young boy had been taking a stroll down the beach with his pet dog. The boy was about fifteen. He was fairly tall with scruffy black hair which slightly flopped over into his eyes, even though he was meaning to get it cut. He had a handsome face with blue eyes, a small nose and normal sized lips. His features resembled that of a girls, only more manly, which made him so attractive to the girls his age.

He was wearing baggy blue jeans and a plain scruffy grey t-shirt. He had sandy paw prints on his jeans, but they were more noticeable on his top. He also wore some black trainers, which were years old, yet surprisingly still fit him. He didn't normally dress so scruffy, but his Golden Retriever would get wet and sandy and would jump up at him, ruining his clothes. He also sported a thick silver chain with three semi circles all joined together. A Celtic Knot. He never took this off.

The dog, Fluke, was wearing a red collar over his fluffy, golden coat. The boy, Cody, was holding a red lead, which was attached to the collar, yet Fluke was still trying to drag him in to the sea. Cody kept pulling back on the lead, strangling Fluke slightly, to stop him from pulling, which would stop the dog for about a minute, until another wave came splashing to shore and excited him.

Suddenly, Fluke stopped and sniffed the sand. Cody didn't realise and nearly tripped over the dog.

"Hey, Fluke, what's up?" Cody asked the dog, while ruffling his ears. Cody's voice was low and mysterious, yet was one that pulled you in, making you trust him, making you want him to continue talking.

Flukes ears pricked up, and he howled. He pulled away from Cody so quickly that he lost grip of the lead. Fluke sped off to the right, across the abandoned castle. People said it was haunted. That if you went in, you would never come out. Not alive anyway.

Cody hesitated, but this was no time to be scared. He ran after Fluke, pausing briefly at the entrance to the derelict land. He took a deep breath and ran in, without thinking. He found it easier to do something if you don't think about it. For example if you were sky diving and suddenly developed a fear of heights, immediately before jumping. He would take a deep breath and clear his mind. This is what he did here.

His eyes were half closed so he barely saw anything. By the time he got to the other side of the castle, and through the door and around the maze of rubble, he finally found Fluke, panting. He was laying on his side in the wild grass. He jumped up when he heard Cody arriving.

Cody gave Fluke a stern look, then sighed as the dog bit into his jeans and tried dragging him somewhere.

"Ok, I'm following, just don't bite a hole in these jeans!" Cody exclaimed. He followed the dog, who kept glancing over his shoulder to be sure his owner was still there. He kept trudging through the long, dying grass. It was still green but was beginning to turn brown in some places. The further they went, the more litter and graffiti there was plastered everywhere in sight.

Fluke came to a sudden halt. He sniffed around and howled. Cody gave him a puzzled look. He stood beside the dog and saw nothing out of the ordinary. Empty cans of beer, carelessly thrown on the ground, cigarettes and empty cigarette packets on walls and hidden in the cracks in the wall, the odd sock or shoe. He kept glancing around, until he saw the only one thing that didn't belong. A purple ball.

The ball was shiny and the loveliest shade of lilac. Cody went to it and gently picked it up. It made a hollow sound and felt like glass. He couldn't see inside it, but that probably didn't matter. Surprisingly, a faint, exotic smell was coming from it. Fresh grass, flowers, which were so fresh, they couldn't have been from anywhere local. If he listened hard enough, he could hear a faint beating against the sides of the ball. He wasn't to know, but this was Serena trying to get his attention.

Cody thought this was useless so he picked up the dogs lead and tried to walk home. Fluke wouldn't move. He tugged on the lead and still, he was motionless. Cody picked up the ball again and Fluke wagged his tail and then started off in the direction of home.

"I guess I'm taking you home." Cody sighed.

Qwertypolk · May 09, 2007, 09:13 PM // 21:13

your too hard on yourself, me, and everyone else agree that your brilliant

i dont think i could suggest much to improve on... your description is brill, i feel like i know the characters since theyre explained so well, the story line has me gripped and i really wanna know whats next.

maby you could do a little research into weaponry so you can use names (eg recurve bow rather than just bow) then meaning you can explain it well, then again so far weve onle seen one weapon and it wasnt one that needed explaining, so maby you already can...

its too perfect!!!

angelexperiment · May 09, 2007, 09:15 PM // 21:15

hehe lol, thanks qwertypolk and sorry :P And thanks, I'll look into that, good idea.

ravensong · May 10, 2007, 08:12 PM // 20:12

I think your writing is going to better! Just keep it up! Write,write,write,read,read,read!