Curse

nexus1614 · Jul 30, 2007, 10:14 AM // 10:14

Hey, I kinda felt my dervish story was getting a bit boring, so I thought I'd try one on my mesmer. Please give me constructive criticism

My name is Nexys Mindclouder. I have no family. I have no home. I have no friends. I can’t remember much about my childhood. The only thing I can remember is something I’d rather forget…

It had been a great day. I was six years old, and me and my pop had been fishing, just off the coast in the Plains of Jarin. We didn’t catch anything, but I enjoyed spending time with my dad. Ever since he became a member of the Sunspears, he had been back and forth between Istan and Kourna, only stopping at home for a couple of days at a time. I missed him all the time. My mother spent all her time worrying about him. That night, we had a lovely meal of drake kebab, skale fin soup and cupcakes for dessert. I went to bed happy, and soon drifted off to sleep. However, I was awoken by a loud bang and a scream. I sat bolt upright, and ran down the stairs.

‘Daddy, what’s happening?’ I asked.
‘Honey, run, run as fast as you can,’ he yelled.
‘Da……mummy, what should I do?’ I cried.
‘Run and hide!’ she ordered.

I ran, as quick as I could, and hid inside the oil drum in the yard. There was a small hole in it that I peered out of. I saw the horrific events unfold. My mum and dad ran out of the house, towards the back yard. However, they never made it. An arrow whistled through the air and struck my mother in the back. She stumbled, tripping my father over. Three men caught up with them, one stowing his bow away, and the other two wielding deadly weapons, one an axe and the other a scythe. The man with the axe brought it down swift onto my father’s neck, separating his head from his shoulders. I bit back a scream. I knew that if they discovered me, I would die too. The anger welled up inside me. A flash of pink light and I passed out.

That’s all I remember, that pink light. I don’t know what else happened, but the next thing I knew, I was lying in a strange bed. I looked around and saw Kormir, who I knew was the Spearmarshal of the Sunspears. I felt anger. I blamed the Sunspears for my parent’s deaths. Why else would people come after my parents? As the anger welled up inside me, another pink light engulfed us.

I can’t remember anything else after that. All I know is, on that day one of the men who killed my parents died, and I don’t know how, and I was inducted into the Sunspear order. However, I didn’t exactly fit in with the order. The main problem was the fact that most of the trainees followed the teachings of the God of War and Fire, Balthazar. Myself, I felt a great affinity towards the teachings of Lyssa, the Goddess of Illusion and Beauty. This immediately made me an outcast. Second of all, most of the recruits enjoyed learning combat, especially using swords and shields. Myself, however, I preferred to stand back and watch the battles progress, wielding staves. I also found myself able to make some people hurt themselves if I wanted. The problem was, I couldn’t control it.

The day came that we had to go to Churrir Fields to choose our professions. Most of the recruits immediately went for Warrior, Dervish or Paragon. A few went for Elementalist, Necromancer and Monk, a couple wanted to become Rangers. Wandering about, I spotted a lady stood on her own. I made a beeline for her.

‘Hi, what profession are you?’ I asked.
‘Hey there hunni, I’m a Mesmer,’ she replied.
‘Oh, what does a Mesmer do?’ I asked.
‘We are can make people do what we want them to do, be it for good or evil. We can bend reality, counter spells and disrupt our enemies,’ she explained.
‘Do you mean...make people do things that we want them to?’ I inquired.
‘Yes....’ she answered. ‘However, be warned, Mesmers aren’t generally a very popular profession with other people.’
‘That’s fine, I’m a bit of a loner anyway,’ I replied. ‘I would like to learn how to become a good Mesmer.’

That conversation would change my life forever. I was, however, shunned by my peers for choosing such a ‘worthless’ class. This lack of enthusiasm which greeted my by the other recruits made me even more determined to succeed as a Mesmer….

Elite God · Jul 30, 2007, 10:31 PM // 22:31

Excellent! A bit boring, but excellent, makes me want to keep reading!

2 words for you!

MORE MORE!

Storm Crow · Jul 31, 2007, 09:39 PM // 21:39

I can honestly say that it's much better than your previous endeavor. It was a much easier and more enjoyable read.

Very nice job on grammar, too! I noticed one end-of-sentence preposition, but everyone does that. English has been flawed over the centuries in which it has been spoken.

I look forward to more!