Curse

xRustyx · Jul 13, 2008, 08:12 AM // 08:12

Agent Goren strapped on his boots. He had just recieved a call from the Canthan Intelligence Agency that a Xunlai terrorist cell had just resurfaced. For a few months now there had been rumours that a previously-thought dormant terrorist cell had been re-activated. This was no ordinary threat. This Xunlai cell was said to control all opium trade across Tyria, and were last heard heavily expanding cocaine operations into Dwarven territory, the shiverpeaks. Snow wouldn't be the only thing white there anymore. The dwarves had recently acquired the taste for cocaine after playing Age of Conan as it was the only way they could suppress the shortcomings of the game and its poor performance on ancient Dwarven machinery.

Goren strapped on his Fried Chicken boneblaster custom made by the most respected blacksmith of Krypta and Watermelon grenades, fine-tuned by Kick Koss The Boss. "It's time to hit the forces of evil back like Kobe hit that raw."

Something stirred in the shadows. It was Devona, wrapped in satin sheets. "Sorry babe, but I've got to go," whispered Goren as his lips brushed against hers. "Save the world by dinner, powerful manly black person," replied Devona as she could not see who it was in the dimly lit atmosphere. She thought it might have been Goren, but she has had many lovers. After battling the Charr for decades, her vision and memory were no longer what it had been.

As Goren walked towards the door, his sixth sense tingled. It was probaby just his super secret spy senses being extra cautious after feeling Devona's soft lips brushing against his own, her breath calm and relaxing. He was wrong. As he turned the doorknob, a loud crack was heard from outside. Goren quickly turned the safety from his Fried Chicken boneblaster to off and fired through the door. Automatic bones shredded the door to pieces in seconds. A hail of arrows replied. Goren moonwalked to the right and avoided the piercing instruments of death with his super secret spy style.

Goren quickly reloaded his boneblaster with a new "Meal For 8 special" and continued spraying at the unknown attacker(s). The shootout lasted for several minutes before Goren thought, "Damn. I need to supersize this bone blaster." Goren was running out of ammo fast, and options too. He knew he could not win with his current firepower as his attackers had used Sirens' Arrows, a tactic he had not been effectively trained again. In fact, in Goren's homeland it was frowned upon to be trained to resist Sirens' Arrows. But Goren had no time to discuss old history. Goren shouted, "Devona, pass me the Bike Thieving Cannon!" as he 2 stepped the arrows and rolled behind new cover. There was no reply. Perhaps Devona had not heard properly. Goren shouted again, "DEVONA, BY GLINT'S GRACE, PASS ME THE BIKE THIEVING CANNON!" Still, no reply. "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself" muttered Goren as he moonwalked to his armory, dodging arrows left and right.

"Devona we're going to need to have a talk when we're done. I'm the man of this house. You should be in the kitchen making me sandwiches, cooking and cleaning those new Elonian pots we got. You know just because you fought the Charr and killed the Lich doesn't mean you can sit around all day doing nothing. You used to be a Warrior. Look at you know, lying there like a sack of flesh. You know I don't even know why I'm dating you. You're not even from my country. I know this has nothing to do with love but you have to understand that interracial relationships require higher levels of commitment for them to work. And this just isn't working! I mean look at us! How long have we been dating? For 7 months! SEVEN MONTHS! And you haven't even let little Goren up in them hindparts yet! I'm a patient man, but I know when I'm waiting too long for something!" lectured Goren as he calmly brandished his new weapon. This devastating addition to his arsenal would destroy any attacker with ease. But it seemed he had wasted too much time lecturing Devona, and not enough time retaliating to these unknown attackers. They were already gone, vanished to the shadows like the Jade Brotherhood.

"I guess this is as good as a time as any to tell me you're dating someone else," replied Goren as he turned towards Devona. But Devona was not there anymore. The bed was stained red. Wooden sticks seemed to be protruding from a body. With shock, Goren realized it was Devona. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

TO BE CONTINUED....

"He's gone rogue. Dwayna save us all," whispered Koss. The Canthan Intelligence Agency had just lost its best agent, Super Secret Spy Goren. "We have no choice. We have to kick him from the guild," said Mhenlo reluctantly. “But he’ll lose support of all our NPCs!” exclaimed Koss. “We have been planning our strategy for the monthly automated tournament against the Xunlai terrorist cell soon! If he comes back, he won’t be able to participate! He’s our best field agent, we need him to lead our squad!”

“You think he’s coming back? He’s never coming back. The Xunlai just killed the only love of his life. Now there will be Hell to pay. And we’ll have to clean it up. I haven’t seen anything this exciting since the Centaur Wars,” said Zhed, stamping his hoofs in excitement. “Besides, no one plays in the monthlies anyway.”

While the CIA were debating on what to do about their rogue agent, Goren was punishing every Xunlai-related guild he could find. He spared nobody, there was nothing but rage in his heart. Currently his wrath fell upon the Stonehammers, a Dwarven faction notorious for using brutal mutilation of their enemies, especially Elonians. They were in the middle of a fierce territory expansion, working hand-in-hand with the Xunlai. It was an uneasy alliance, as the Dwarves had a reputation of only working with their own race. But they had given their word there would be no backstabbing, and as we all know, a Dwarf’s word was stronger than their stone.

“Oh god, oh god, he’s Frenzying again!” shouted a terrorist before he was cleaved in half by Goren’s Axe.
“Rez him, rez him!” screamed another.
“I can’t, the soil is frozen! Man I should’ve wore some sandals it’s so cold.” complained a dwarf.
“Stop yer whining, here go tank the blows, I’ll protect ya.” berated Ghalis Stonehammer, the leader of the joint terrorist operation between Shiverpeaks and the Xunlai.
The dwarf ran up, his confidence boosted by a protective spirit, and taunted Goren, “Haha I’m glad that bitch is dead! I would’ve killed her myself!”
Furious, Goren turned his gaze of contempt at him and screamed “ON YOUR KNEES!”
“Oh please have mercy! I’ve lost all my enchantments, I’m naked! I’M NAKED! GHALIS HELP!” screamed the dwarf as he dropped to his knees.
But Ghalis was gone. The dwarf was simply bait, an expendable asset while Ghalis moved to the safety of his archers.
“Archers, attack!” ordered Ghalis.
5 Crippling shots rained down on Goren. But it did not matter. He still charged forward. “Hell hath no fury like a Warrior enraged,” muttered Ghalis.
5 distracting shots hit Goren’s healing signet. But it did not matter. He could not be interrupted. He had mantra of concentration on.
“How in the nine Hells did this Elonian master all 10 professions? This is absolutely ridiculous! Also I am an archer from the Dungeons & Dragons Universe but I thought it would be cool to play Guild Wars,” moaned an archer.
“He’s just one man! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!” screamed Ghalis.
“Screw this, I’m running!” said an archer as he threw his bow down and escaped.
Ghalis did not bother stopping him. You see, Ghalis was not really depending on the safety of his archers, or the knights which Goren were tearing apart with ease. Ghalis smirked, for he had a secret weapon. The deadliest fighter known to any continent. His exploits were whispered from the beautiful temples of Dwayna, to the darkest pits of Abaddon. Goren wasn’t the only Warrior on the battlefield that day. It was said this Warrior had faced bested Grenth himself in an endurance watermelon eating match. It is said he even charmed Dwayna into his bed chambers. But many things are said, and only action will determine the outcome. This weapon could not be controlled. He did whatever he wished. He slayed whoever he wanted. He impregnated as many women as he desired. Not even GameMasters could stop him. And they had tried many times. But Ghalis was in luck today, as this weapon wished to kill Goren.

“Let the coward run. We don’t need him.” smiled Ghalis. “Are you sure he’ll help us? I mean I’ve heard all these stories about him, what happens if he has a change of heart?” asked an anxious archer. Ghalis assured him, “It is in his best interests to aid in our goal. You have my word on that.”

Goren barged through the gate. As he ran towards the survivors of his rampage, he started an Earthquake. “JUMP, JUMP!” screamed a Knight. “I can’t, I can’t! I can’t jump, we’re not in Azeroth!” screamed another Knight. As both were knocked down, Goren caused a shockwave, cycloned his axe, and finished it off with a whirling axe. There was only one Knight left between him and Ghalis.

“Please… have mercy oh Great Goren! I promise never to do evil again!” pleaded the Knight. “What do you want? Ectos? I have some, here!”
Goren crushed the ectos in his hand. “I want you… to die.” The Knight screamed for the last time.
“So it’s just me and you then.” said Goren.
“Not quite…” said Ghalis.
A voice in the shadows laughed. A guttural laugh. A laugh of a deadly beast.
Goren turned around…. “You? Why are you involved in this? You know what they did to me. I have to seek my revenge. If I have to go through you, I will. Nevertheless… I have no quarrel with you. My quarrel is with the Xunlai.”
“I don’t give a shit.” stated the voice in the shadows as the skeletal remains of the cowardly archer were tossed in front of Goren’s feet.
“So be it. It’s been a long time since… since the last time we met,” said Goren as he steeled himself for the oncoming battle. Even driven by his rage, he knew it was a battle he may not survive. He was facing a true Warrior. There was no equal to his spirit. He was the embodiment of battle, a bringer of death. If Goren would win, it was by sheer luck. He prayed silently to Dwayna.
The shadowy figured stepped forward. He was clad in gold battle armor Goren had never seen before. “You changed up… where did you get that?” asked Goren. They started circling each other.
“China Olympics, dawg.”
“I was not aware there was such a thing.”
“Yeah well I been places. There be other worlds than Tyria homie. I got cribs everywhere, I got my peeps runnin the streets like it ain’t no thing. You ever heard of Earth? I run that place dawg. Got hoes in every area code. And I ain’t been in Tyria for a long ass time you feel?”
“I am not an animal.”
“Yeah well dawg, it don’t matter what you be. Welcome to the jungle dawg, you know what it is.”
“I do not.”
“Yeah well you gonna. Homie back in Earth, one of my best friends got caught for arms dealin. Now he doin’ a bid for 10 years. It’s all good though, cuz big shit poppin’ you feel? He living in his ballin’ mansion, I had to pay the bail though. It don’t matter though, cuz I got mad paper stacked, got so much ice on my wrist I could replace Antarctica, in fact, I’m probably gonna, why you think them icecaps meltin? It’s cuz I’m so hot, homie G. Aiyyo you hear bout this Elonian named Lil-“
“WILL YOU KILL HIM ALREADY?” screamed Ghalis. The dwarf’s eyes widened in shock of what he had just done.

Suddenly Goren heard a loud crack, much like a firework. Goren blinked as Ghalis’s head exploded and his dwarven brains decorated the floor.
“Don’t. Ever. Interrupt. Me. Homie.” said the mysterious figure. “Well, damn, guess there ain’t no battle no more. The bad guy be dead. Capped him myself yo.”
Goren sighed in relief. “I definitely did not plan for your presence. I was not sure I was going to win. That is a potent weapon you have there. Is it from Earth?”
“Yeah dawg, this gat right here is straight customized just for me.” The mysterious figure looked at Ghalis, or what remained of him and whispered, “The game is the game.”

He turned towards Goren. “They killed your bitch? Well they gon’ have to pay. And I’m guessin you gon need some of my firepower, feel me?”
Goren replied, “I suppose so. I have not seen you in a long time.”
The newfound ally chuckled. “Dawg, I ain’t been around for a long time. But Tyria gon def feel me. I’m back like crack.”
“Well I am grateful for your aid. But this road will be long and arduous. I plan to slay every single terrorist responsible for the death of my wife. Then I shall go into the Underworld to reclaim Devona’s soul. I am not sure if I shall succeed. We may perish in the process. Are you ready for this?”
“Oh, no doubt dawg. No doubt.”
“I am glad to hear this. By the way… I never got your name.”
“Dawg, my bboys back home call me Rusty.”

TO BE CONTINUED…….

“Y’ALL FOOLS GONNA GET MERKED! FOR MY ELONIANS BACK IN ATL STILL HOLDIN IT DOWN!!!!” screamed Rusty as he blasted his Uzi.
“Save your ammunition! These are only level 10s! Here, use this long sword!” advised Goren as he tossed the melee weapon. Rusty had forgotten to bring more ammunition from Earth on his way to Tyria.
“Naw, hell no! I ain’t using no sword. I ain’t no Peter Pan, damn dawg that just ain’t gangsta!” bellowed Rusty at the top of his lungs as he emptied his Glock into a terrorist’s chest. “Damn dawg I just ran out of extended clips! Mayne this ain’t fair yo, it’s like the popos back home workin them snitches yo, trynna put me in jail! Aiyyo G-man, toss me that glass shield! I ain’t using no wackass sword, but that shield is pimpin!”
“It is not a glass shield. This is a Tormented Shield. It was given to me by Prince Rurik, when he was still alive. Do not dishonour his memory.” Goren sighed in amusement and handed the shield to Rusty.
Rusty threw the shield and decapitated a terrorist. “Damn yo!! This be some Captain America shit! Mayne you ever seen 300 yo? I feel like Leonidas dawg, THIS IS TYRIA!!!”
Goren could not resist laughing. His quest for justice with his new partner was a lot more fun than he expected. “You enjoy killing people too much, Rusty.”
“Mayne I been on the streets since I was 13, killing people be my past time yo. It ain’t no thing, I capped more suckas than I can remember trynna step up to me you feel? This shit natural instinct yo, cuz I got the mind of a lunatic!”
“Yes, you have. There is the guild lord! TAKE HIM DOWN! VICTORY OR DEATH!!!!” screamed Goren.
“Aiyyo wait. Dawg why he walking towards us? Mayne that’s some weak shit. This Guild Lord be some dumbass yo. I mean dawg we like slaughter everybody right, and now he walkin towards us? He gon die yo, that ain’t the way the game is supposed to be played. Let me holla at this cat for a moment, G-man.”
“Alright. Go ahead. I need to rest anyway,” panted Goren. Today, they had ransacked three third guild halls for clues of where Devona’s assassins were. Dwayna had not blessed them with luck. Perhaps it was time to pray to Melandru, thought Goren.
“Yo gay lord, I mean Guild Lord, (damn I’m good) yo why you walkin man? Don’t you think it would be better if you just stood there? I mean damn walkin to the flagstand and shit, that just ain’t cool. Everybody gon know where you gon go, how you gonna walk! Shit be easy to exploit wit them Area of Effect spells yo!”
The Guild Lord stopped and thought to himself for a moment. “Perhaps you are right. I shall stop walking and stand still like a post from the start of the match. It may be a catalyst for a more offense-oriented metagame.”
“Aiyyo I’m glad you feel me, but you gonna have to die now cuz I gotta cap you to win the match. Damn man this world so violent, it’s like back in Afganistan you know?”
The Guild Lord sighed regretfully, “Yes, I am afraid I will have to die. It seems no one cares about my pain. Sometimes when teams are turtling I compare myself to Prometheus, who had to suffer daily. He had his insides eaten out by eagles, only to regrow. I have to be killed, only to respawn. What kind of evil entity would condemn me to such a tormented life?”

The Guild Lord’s eyes widened as a blade was thrust through his heart. As his corpse fell, Goren’s cold face was revealed. He whispered, “The game is the game.”
“Damn right! Preach it brotha, preach it! Damn dawg you got eyes of a killer mayne, eyes of a killer. Hot diggity shit that some Terminator shit feel me?”
“The only thing I am feeling right now is the pain of losing Devona.”
“Yeah dawg, but you got to remember, plat over bitches yo. You can lose a lot of money chasing women, but you never lose women chasing money. Belee dat.”
“Sometimes I feel a lot of the things you say are irrelevant to our situation.”
“Well dawg, I’m so high off that chronic gotta lace the dro wit the syrup.”
“Once again you have completely lost me in the conversation with your dialect.”
“Yo dawg you want some of this puff puff pass mayne?” croaked Rusty as he took a hit off his Batman bong. “Mayne this some Christian Bale shit!”
“I do not. You should not smoke so much of that chronic substance. It could lead to other bad drugs, such as Canthan white powder. I have seen many succumb to the desire of Canthan white.”
“Dawg it’s all bout moderation yo, y’all know what it is. Most people ain’t disciplined, that’s why they be weaklings. But dawg I got more discipline than Shaolin Monks yo. This shit right here like the Red Army, scorched earth shit. Work hard, play harder that’s my motto like it ain’t no thang.”
“Enough talk. We must look for clues.”
“Yeah dawg you do that shit, Imma get baked right here. Damn mayne one day when we finish going into the Underworld and all that gangsta shit we gon def get hyphy and you gon take a hit.”
“Sometimes I worry about you.” Goren shook his head and began searching for clues.

Goren studied the maps in silence, his stone cold eyes holding back the fiery rage in his heart. He had found a map that lead to the exact location of where Devona’s killers would be. Goren had to plot carefully where to go. They had to head through treacherous Amfah territory, and he had bad history with the Amfah. If Devona’s murderers turned out to be allied with the Amfah, Goren was not sure how he could assault the heart of Amfah nation and survive. Rusty pranced impatiently in the background.

Suddenly Rusty shrieked, “YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” Goren spun around, his battle stance ready for any ambush. All he saw was Rusty prancing around. Sighing, Goren inquired, “What exactly are you doing? Is it an Earthian ritual?”
“Nah dawg, this be some Souljah Boi shit ya dig? Wait… you telling me you ain’t know who the biggest sellout in the rap game be? SOULJAH BOY UP IN DIS HO, SUPERMAN HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Goren stood in silence.
“Damn dawg I gotta teach you this shit mayne, how you gon survive in the world without knowing who Souljah Boi be, knowing this dance be like social capital holmes. All the ladies be ready to grind on me when I pop out them Souljah poses.”
“This is considered good music, in your world?”
“Hahah hell naw, this some wackass music Souljah Boi be some pussy kid gon get capped in the next 10 years, sellout bitchass candyass rappers yo. Nah mayne the song be wack, but dawg… he got a nice dance! YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”
“Stop. We have to go. We are about to tread through deadly territory owned by the Amfah. Rumour has it there are over 10,000 Level 24 Assassins patrolling their turf at any time.”
“Damn shit gon be poppin off again so soon! This adventure be more exciting than the Barbie shit I did last year yo! Click clack tool up cuz we goin to war again homie G-man!”
“Not exactly. We are not going to kill them, unless they attack us.”
“Why not dawg? You don’t think we can’t handle ten thousand troopers? Mayne that ain’t shit, I handled ten thousand bricks of cocaine like it ain’t shit dawg, Amfah whatever Imma put these bitches in ditches.”
“I have an informal truce with them. Once we went to war. But now, no more. But the truce is not set in stone. The terms were that I would never step foot in their nation again. Let’s hope that the night and foilage shall disguise us.”
“Yoyoyo homie G wait. Dawg it’s in the jungle?”
“Yes.”
“Mayne, you lucky I got my BA from the Uni of Gangstacribbaz. I got them street smarts yo.”
“You’ve lost me.”
“What I mean is that I have an idea.”
“I was not aware you could speak normally.”
”Yeah well dawg, I only do it when none of my homies around, gotta keep that gangsta rep n pop my colla. Anyway holmes, it’s time to do some Solid Snake shit dawg.”

5 hours later…

“SCRUBS? SCRUBS? You want us to traverse the deadliest area known to Cantha in nothing but scrubs?!”
“Aiyyo dawg chill, these scrubs be good! The best kinda scrubs man, the scrubbiest of scrubs. I got them from my Tombs homies mayne! Trust me on this dawg, I ain’t trippin!”
“Unbelievable. I suppose it is better than nothing.”
“That’s the spirit dawg, we in them scrubs when we ride on our enemies, they gonna get merked by some foilage dawg hahahaha!”

Goren and Rusty stepped through the shimmering portal. “Aiyyo dawg are those words in the air? Amfah Nation PVE Explorable Area? Dawg man I only did shrooms yesterday this is mad trippy mayne… HOLD ME GOREN HOLD ME!”
“Those words are the work of Gods.”
“Fosho? They juss look like Arial size 12 to me mayne.”
“Forget the words. We must ascend upon the enemy, covered in darkness… as scrubs.”

TO BE CONTINUED…..

Pleikki · Jul 13, 2008, 08:20 AM // 08:20

Hehe Nice story, allways fun to read these

Arkantos · Jul 13, 2008, 08:20 AM // 08:20

Rusty,

That was the best (and only) story I've read in this forum. Keep the great work coming!

Sincerely yours,

Arkantos

Pour One For Jose · Jul 13, 2008, 08:27 AM // 08:27

I lol'd. good stuff.

Guillaume De Sonoma · Jul 13, 2008, 08:49 AM // 08:49

So bad, but so good.

Icy The Mage · Jul 13, 2008, 09:33 AM // 09:33

omg that was awesome, keep up the good work!

oliverrr1989 · Jul 13, 2008, 10:59 AM // 10:59

Hahahahahaha nice story lol didnt make much sense but it was entertaining. I particularly liked this part:

Quote:

Originally Posted by xRustyx

Something stirred in the shadows. It was Devona, wrapped in satin sheets. "Sorry babe, but I've got to go," whispered Goren as his lips brushed against hers. "Save the world by dinner, powerful manly black person," replied Devona as she could not see who it was in the dimly lit atmosphere. She thought it might have been Goren, but she has had many lovers. After battling the Charr for decades, her vision and memory were no longer what it had been.

Keep them coming :P

sph0nz · Jul 13, 2008, 12:13 PM // 12:13

Epic. MOAR.

Goren is the man!

yakuza · Jul 13, 2008, 12:44 PM // 12:44

lal goren ownz xD

Twin Blade Warriror · Jul 13, 2008, 12:57 PM // 12:57

haha
keep up good work

fenix · Jul 13, 2008, 01:28 PM // 13:28

Better than every story ever written on guru.

Arkantos · Jul 13, 2008, 05:46 PM // 17:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by fenix

Better than every story ever written on guru.

I completely agree with this statement. Rusty should be given an award.

obsidian ectoplasm · Jul 13, 2008, 09:49 PM // 21:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arkantos

I completely agree with this statement. Rusty should be given an award.

wts cookies

Nice story even though i didnt really read it XD

Mr. Undisclosed · Jul 14, 2008, 08:36 AM // 08:36

Slice of awesome.

Little Shenanigan · Jul 14, 2008, 10:29 PM // 22:29

i <3 you.

moar please

Elder III · Jul 15, 2008, 09:04 AM // 09:04

made me grin XD keep it up buddy

Rothan Celt · Jul 30, 2008, 10:17 AM // 10:17

Lol lol lol lol im glad im not the only one who thinks of goren in that contex xD
<3 ploite froggy man

Div · Jul 30, 2008, 10:58 AM // 10:58

Sign my babies please.

White Lies · Jul 30, 2008, 06:05 PM // 18:05

Thats some good stuff.
I liked it alot.
I do stuff like this, just not GW related.

gj man, its rly clever.
Keep it coming

~Lies

sgtclarity · Aug 05, 2008, 02:47 AM // 02:47

A literary marvel, more aspiring writers in this forum should take advice from you.