Curse

Roy_ · Sep 06, 2009, 01:53 AM // 01:53

This is a story I had to write for school... based of a real childhood memory. Just rate or whatever I guess... Looking for critics >.<
edit: To clarify, the story is supposed to be fiction, and the memory is when a snake came into our classroom in first grade... Also, vampires is supposed to be spelled vampyres... and I know know that punctuation is flawed in some areas...

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Fear; the black room around her felt like an empty void. There was a slithering sound, and a thump, as if something had fallen. A hiss, and a sigh. "A snake, oh God, a snake?" she thought.

"Please... please God, don't let it be real... Let it be-" he voice as cut off as another hiss pierced the emptiness.

She looked down at herself and saw nothing, her once gnarled hands did not exist in this place, her body was one with the black, she was nothing. The snake however, was another matter, it waited, it watched, it lived. It was everything, the whole of existence, and why not embrace that existence?

Death would be welcome from this place, this nightmare, this void. So she moved, moved without moving, feeling nothing yet feeling everything. All to late she remembered, understood that she had done this before. But it was to late for her... the snake was suddenly illuminated, it reared its head, and what a hideous creature it was... For it was no snake, it was a monstrous daemon. Horns sprouted from its humanoid head, twisted back like a rams. Its sharp vampyres teeth glistened with blood, and its body, that serpentine body, was blacker than the void.

"Welcome..." it whispered, then ripped her heart from her body, and the last thing she saw was that figure feasting...

------

Fear; the black room around her felt like an empty void... blacker than night, blacker than space. The slithering sound again... or was it again? She couldn't remember... The thought fled her as it moved again. "Oh God...why a snake?" Fear, that most evil of emotions, froze her in place.

Then a thought, death. Would not death be preferable to this fear? but then a feeling... the feeling of deja vu. That she had been here before, in this hell.

Hell, the thought hit her like a hot iron searing her thoughts. She was dead, and this was her punishment, The past opened up before her, her crimes. She realized she deserved her punishment.

"Good," Lucifer whispered. "You...understand..."

His voice seemed to slither, much like his body, and then his sadistic laughter screeched through her. Just before she saw it again, that demonic serpent, for the last time.

-------

She woke up screaming, pain rippled through her body, for she had one now, and she screamed.

It was unimaginable, imposable, but happening. She opened her eyes and instantly her pain was worse. She had only time to think that perhaps there were many levels of hell... then the pain blocked out everything.

Divine Ashes · Sep 06, 2009, 02:47 AM // 02:47

So wait...this is supposed to be a story based off of a childhood memory?

Methinks if you hand this in, they'll send you to counseling...

The language is a little too flowery, and a little too dramatic. Also, your grammar and punctuation usage is not the best.

Sookie · Sep 06, 2009, 02:51 AM // 02:51

Spell Checker FTW!

subarucar · Sep 06, 2009, 04:47 AM // 04:47

I think you used the word "void" a bit to much, it makes its sound tacky.

Zodiac Meteor · Sep 06, 2009, 04:52 AM // 04:52

Starts to dramatic, without any character development. In order for people reading to get the feeling of the story you must build on the Girl. So far I have no idea what is going on and makes a bad read.

My first impressions:
Void? Snake? Whaaaaaaaaat?!
It's a demon snake... Ok, what's going to happen?
The demon snake killed her by ripping her heart out of her chest... Reason? Maybe I'll read it.
The void... again that has no meaning behind it...
The 2nd part is... what... the hell?! Where is she, was it a dream? WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Was it two dreams?
"She woke up screaming." You ass, the WORST thing for a reader to read is a dream, unless it's important you might as well bitch slapped me.
"Pain blocked out everything." Pain from a dream? Everything as in... what? everything? I feel like I just read MadLibs for emo's.

I give it a 1 out of 10, lots of strengthy words but an extremely weak, unreasonable story.

Sorry if I was to mean

Zodiac Meteor · Sep 06, 2009, 05:09 AM // 05:09

Suggestions:

Who is your target audience? General, fantasy, horror?

What is to be learned? For a good story there MUST be something to learn. From a life lesson to a made up word.

Focus on the Girl, avoid the snake as much as possible, in fact, keep it as secret as you can, the less the audience knows about the horrific demon the longer they want to stay to find out. If you haven't seen Cloverfield, watch it, the ONLY reason people stay to the end is to find out what the monster is, sadly the "Bitch" movie never explains.

When you focus on the girl, tell about her life, who she is, give hints about what is going to happen. For example: She notices bazaar shadows that briefly come and go. When she ask her friends about it, they acknowledge the weird shadows but don't think twice about it as it happens so quickly. Their only guess is school is to long and their are tired of looking at a school board. When the girl goes home to sleep, she sees what happens, but DOES NOT see the snake clearly. She can see the outline of the monster but never gets a good look.

You now grab your audience with an unknown monster lurking around and now they know it could be real, but still have no idea what it could possible be. Now your audience wants to read about how this girl is involved, is her friends involved, what is the monsters goal, how will it end?

That's how you keep a teacher still reading. Mine is just an example, you can go anyway you want with it or turn it in as it is. Good luck!

subarucar · Sep 06, 2009, 10:25 AM // 10:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zodiac Meteor

For example: She notices bazaar shadows that briefly come and go. When she ask her friends about it, they acknowledge the weird shadows but don't think twice about it as it happens so quickly. Their only guess is school is to long and their are tired of looking at a school board. When the girl goes home to sleep, she sees what happens, but DOES NOT see the snake clearly. She can see the outline of the monster but never gets a good look.

I dislike reading commonly repeated words (I am sure others agree). Change the second "shadows" to "darkness" and "school board" to "blackboard/whiteboard"

I definitely agree with Zodiac on the dream part, it is one of the worst things a writer can do. Zodiac also makes a good point about subtlety, don't give everything away, let the reader figure things out through hints.

Roy_ · Sep 06, 2009, 12:58 PM // 12:58

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roy Frogger

Hell, the thought hit her like a hot iron searing her thoughts. She was dead, and this was her punishment, The past opened up before her, her crimes. She realized she deserved her punishment.

"Good," Lucifer whispered. "You...understand..."

His voice seemed to slither, much like his body, and then his sadistic laughter screeched through her. Just before she saw it again, that demonic serpent, for the last time.

-------

She woke up screaming, pain rippled through her body, for she had one now, and she screamed.

It was unimaginable, imposable, but happening. She opened her eyes and instantly her pain was worse. She had only time to think that perhaps there were many levels of hell... then the pain blocked out everything.

I thought this was semi obvious... She is dead, and in hell...

Also, the point wasn't about the girl, in fact her whole reason of being was to explain my thoughts on hell in the first place. She was never meant to have a name, nor a background story.

I see what you mean on the use of the word void as well, ill probably switch them out with some synonyms before I turn it in. Also, no, you weren't to harsh. If you didn't understand it is good to point out the flaws because it makes perfect sense to me, but apparently not to everyone else, so it may need to be re-written.

Kerwyn Nasilan · Sep 06, 2009, 02:23 PM // 14:23

This is a first graders prospective?