Curse

Bargamer · Nov 11, 2008, 05:10 PM // 17:10

It was the first day of class at Shing Jea Monastery, and Soy Oil was excited, even ecstatic. Today, she was going to have her own crop of students, her own new young minds of Level Twenty Noobs to mold in her glorious image. It was hard going convincing the Board that she wasn’t just an upstart, a merely viable build, but a valid, contributing member of the community. It helped that for the past two years, she stopped laughing out loud every time a minion exploded. Giggling is okay, but no laughing!

Approaching the classroom where she was going to teach, she took a deep, calming breath as the “Classes Begin Now” bell gonged, adjusted her Tina Fay glasses, then pushed open the door. The instant she stepped into the room, she knew something was off. She saw fellow Ritualists here, but also Necromancers, Rangers, and even Monks! Snape lurked in the corner of the room, sneering as he jotted down a note. What was going on? No, wait; there was one thing she could say. “Good morning. This is the Introduction to Minion Bombing class, room 42. Is everyone in the right room?” She saw nods going around. Okaaaay… “All right, then. Everyone take out your skillbars, let’s see what we’ve got.” As pings sounded across the room, she rapidly scanned the builds. Splinter Barragers throwing paper arrows, Minion Masters calming their charges, the Spoil Victors and Spiteful Spirits refusing to look at one another, Heal/Prot Hybrids arguing with each other, Channeling Restos combing their unruly hair and failing, various Attuned builds looking reserved, the Vengeful Was’s in a corner by themselves not touching each other, the builds she saw covered most of the spectrum. Ok, there was ONE Minion Bomber right in the front row, but it seemed like she still had the basic Canthan Edition.

Soy Oil stalled for time. “Let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves, names, builds, Campaign of Origin, and what we hope to get from this class. You start.” The Paragon stood, the scraping of his chair producing an entirely incongruous high F and started shouting, “My name is Barack Obama, from Elona, and I hope to produce an Era of CHANGE, and also party support with my chants.” At this point, a few Mesmers started screaming “Obama, marry me!” “I want your babies!” “I voted for you!” “Squee!” Barack turned around to see a Prize-Winning Hog in the room. “Nice lipstick, but… are you actually a student?” An old soldier NPC rushed into the room, pointedly not looking at Obama, and dragged the piggy away. “Sorry, sorry, don’t know how she escaped the cooler, we’re not supposed to be in here until 2012… or was it 2016? Haha, I’m such a maverick…”

Soy Oil had had enough. Gesturing to Snape, she walked out of the room. “Excuse me for a moment, class…” Once Snape had finally slunk his way over, closing the door behind him, ”SNAPE! What is going on, here?” Snape sneered. “This is a work of parody, the author is not affiliated with ArenaNet or Guild Wars Guru, Barack Obama, John McCain, either political party, or any loyalty besides Doing It For The Lulz. All rights reserved. Insert other legalese here.”

If you enjoyed this work of fiction, scroll down for Part 2!

Shursh · Nov 11, 2008, 08:21 PM // 20:21

the rocks you smoked before writing that must have been epic.

lawl

Bargamer · Nov 11, 2008, 08:44 PM // 20:44

Plain old caffeine.

SmokingHotImolation · Nov 11, 2008, 10:35 PM // 22:35

Inb4"cool story bro"

pumpkin pie · Nov 12, 2008, 02:41 AM // 02:41

This is my most favourite short in Lyssa's Fiction yet!

Keep it coming!

I'll go roll on the floor laughing now as i wait for my DvD to finish writing. *reminds self to get a faster one when this one dies*

Lyssa Apate · Nov 15, 2008, 08:13 AM // 08:13

Put in more Snape. He rocks.

NecroticChanter · Nov 15, 2008, 02:44 PM // 14:44

good job, Nice story

Bargamer · Jan 30, 2011, 05:12 AM // 05:12

Foreword: Sorry for such a long wait for Part 2. This work of parody and fiction is inspired in part by this guy.

Following her disastrous first year of teaching, Soy Oil left the teaching field and spent some time taking up expensive hobbies, such as collecting Jadeite and other gems, buying expensive clothes, turning herself into snowmen, golems, and other creatures, and other frivolous activities. She also somehow started talking like an old Asuran housewife. At least she hadn't called anyone a "bookah," yet. It wasn't important. Nothing was important anymore.

And then she heard a rumor of a Monk who overheard a prophesy, and took up the heavy armor of a Warrior. "A Monk of Dwayna may choose to worship Balthazar as well, and use Warrior techniques," thought Soy Oil, "but she won't get very far wearing full plate after years of wearing next-to-nothing!" Soy Oil, for her part, was quite content with her current attire: a Canthan dress, in the pink that she got from some charity or other. "A Guardian, really! Ah well, a babysitter by any other name..."

And then came the day when a heavily-mailed fist knocked on the door of her tiny room in the Shing Jea Monastary. "Who is it?" she called, quickly locating her shaded glasses and slipping them on. Her initial training as a Ritualist required her to go blindfolded, and as a result, made her eyesight a bit weak. They were expensive, but extremely effective at their stated purpose. Quite like the Asura themselves, really...

"Snowthunder Trollson the Warrior, seeks training in Weapon Spells from Soy Oil the Legendary Guardian," came a deep voice. A Norn, perhaps? "Ask Michiko at Kaineng Center!" Soy replied, a bit irritated. What did she look like, a merchant?

"Snowthunder ask, but she no teach who, why, or when to use them. You teacher." The title sent a still-not-entirely banished pain through Soy Oil's heart. "I was a teacher. I failed. Ask someone else." Soy Oil started to turn away...

Thump-thump-thump. "Master Mhenlo say teaching Ormathunder good for you." That halted Soy's turn away from the door. Well, REALLY! He could have ASKED her first. A note, even. Soy Oil considered. Quite by accident, her gaze fell on her empty armor racks, still waiting to be filled with exotic, elite armors. Soy pursed her lips, and opened the lips of her purse. Oh, THAT's where she put the ashes of Khanhei. "How much platinum you got, Snowthunder?"

And so Soy Oil taught the Norn Snowthunder about advanced Weapon Spell strategies. It was a funny sight to see the big brawny Norn contort himself into the ritual dances to summon the weapons, but he did know them all, even the secret Dwarven one. Soy had to admit that when he held that mace and shield and all but buried the target dummy, that there wasn't much that the spirit of the Great Dwarf could do to improve it. He didn't even complain when she cast Death Nova on him! And well, she did manage to purchase that elite Norn armor set...

But it was the nights that bothered Soy Oil. She watched him, as he communed with the spirits of the dead, casting the weapon spells over and over again, the dances becoming shorter, less ritual and more... martial. If Soy didn't know better, she'd swear he had taken lessons from a Mesmer on how to shorthand his incantations. But when she asked him about it, he just shook his head. "Snowthunder gotta prove it," was his only explanation.

And then came the night when he suddenly stopped casting, and just stood there, holding that hammer of his as if it was grafted to his hand. He knelt, and raised his shield to cover him. Roaring loud enough to wake the neighbors, he came to his feet, and with a bright flash that DEFINITELY woke the neighbors, a giant hammer of blue energy manifested, and proceeded to utterly demolish the nearby target dummies. Soy Oil gaped. "What in the Six Gods...?"

Snowthunder grinned, turning at the sound of her voice. "I did it! I really did it! Oh Raven, everybody's gonna be SO happy!" Soy Oil grabbed Snowthunder's pinky, as it was the only body part she could reach and put her arm around, and dragged... lead him back inside, to the annoyed shouts and curses of the irate neighbors. "Alright, Snowthunder Trollson. Out with it. Tell me what just happened."

Slowly, patiently, Snowthunder explained. As she suspected, he was a young Guardian, sent to gather together the best skills that were used with Warriors like himself, and adapt them for Guardian use. He recited a dizzying list of what seemed to be Norn philosophy and your standard boot camp rhetoric, half of which she immediately dismissed as ridiculous tripe. "Norn hunt alone. Norn live forever in the memory of all." Ridiculous! Jora wasn't so reluctant to accept help, had she?

Meanwhile, Soy Oil struggled to fit the pieces together. And then Snowthunder scattered the pieces to Grenth and back. "Come with Ormathunder. Teach Spirit Weapons to all Guardians."

Soy Oil shot to her feet. "WHAT?! You must be crazy! I can't do... that!" She pointed out the window at the slowly regenerating target dummies. "An idiot like you, barely intelligible... discovering... how to combine..."

Well, alright, it HAD been a while since she had to recall her old Magic Theory, but in essence, he had combined the high-level Mesmer spell Illusionary Weaponry with the spiritual concept of Weapon Spells, in this case, Great Dwarf Weapon, and made a new class of spell. NOBODY would believe that the lunk had figured it out himself, and now that she knew the theory, she was confident she could do it as well. Just to prove it, she rapidly summoned a hammer, a sword, and a shield, with hardly any dancing at all. Which was fortunate, since her tiny monastery room was barely larger than a closet. She quickly banished them, but not the possibilities percolating through her mind.

"...Yes, this Spirit Weapon technique just might change the whole nature of battles. I wonder if you could put Death Nova on them? You never complained about that, ONCE! Haha, teaching you weapon spells was the best time of my life. You say there's more of you?" Soy Oil decided that she liked the name for the new technique.

"I'm glad he was able to help you, Soy Oil," came the impossibly-sexy voice of Master Mhenlo. "I foresaw that your destiny was not to remain here, so I arranged for Snowthunder here to help you out of your grief. And see? Now you can help others, just as you've always wanted."

Soy Oil froze in shock and terror. She HAD woken him up! And then moved with fury. "You! You... you knew, then." Soy deflated. She knew when she was beaten, fair and square. Mhenlo nodded, the stars seeming to caress the shiny skin of his head. Damn, she was going to miss him. But not as much as she'd miss this chance to 'live forever in the memory of all.' Stupid Norn philosophy.

Soy Oil capitulated. "Alright. ALRIGHT! You win. I'll teach the rest of you Guardians. If a Norn can learn it, anyone can learn it. But you're carrying my armor collection! And how much is the pay?"

Aeronwen · Jan 30, 2011, 11:37 AM // 11:37

Awesome

Hope we don't have to wait over 2 years for the next one

Did you post this over at GW2guru, they would appreciate it also (I guess)