Curse

Prestige · Aug 28, 2011, 09:09 PM // 21:09

I started writing it for my ranger biography, but I got into it and now I want to
make it a book for myself or the community to read.

Story :

Introduction

I was born in the Tarnished Coast.It is a region of Tyria, where little creatures called Asuras live, they once lived in the underground, but were forced to the surface by the rise of the Destroyer threat (a creature that hunted the lives of Far-North tyrians for ages, until it was finally slain, by a group of heroes).

My father, Ronan, an ex-soldier, found me in Arbor Bay, a big region in the Tarnished Coast. It is separated by different territories. A lizard-like creature lives in most of the eastern territories, they are called "Krait", Simians also live in this area, they are medium-sized monkeys which learned the evil ways of magic. They are often known as copycats, as they use special abilities to copy the opponent's attacks and skills he has learned in his life. There is also the Wind riders, Ronan, my dad, taught me to not get close to those evil creatures, as they kill with their minds, which can drive anyone crazy and lead to death.

My mother, Madeline, was a caring woman which was born in Kryta, in a town called Beetletun. She was captured by soldiers from the White Mantle order, an order which single goal is to convert by force every human in Kryta to the Unseen gods because Madeline believed in the 5 human gods which include : Balthazar, the god of war and fire ; Dwayna the goddess of life and air ; Melandru the goddess of earth and nature ; Lyssa The twin goddesses of beauty and illusion ; and Grenth is the god of death and ice. She was killed on year 1090 AE in a fire for being a witch. She never gave up on her religion, even if the White Mantle would torture her. In fact, every citizen of Kryta that believed in the five human Gods were burned because they were considered sorcerer or a witch. Madeline was never found, but I believe she is in the Underworld, being held captive in a spirit form.

I was taken to the Ventari's sanctuary, a safeplace, isolated from the wars of humans and centaurs. Ventari, an old centaur, Ronan's friend, is the founder of the Ventari sanctuary. He told Ronan, "This place is a home and a haven. As bloodshed cast its shadow, we shelter beneath this place of solace, to live life as it was meant to be, in harmony and unity, regardless of race or social status. All are welcome". Ronan joined him in his sanctuary.

Chapter One

My dad told me one day.

- You are to become something important. You will face many dangers, as I did before, Chris. I am part of the shining blade, a group of Krytan royalist rebels who oppose the White Mantle Order. We will soon departure away from here, as I have duty in the Shining Blade group. I only fight for one reason because your mother was killed by the White Mantle Order. She was accused of being a witch for believing in the human gods. She was innocent, like all the other Krytans that are killed daily. This is the reason I fight, none other.

- My mother ... was killed ?

Ronan could feel the sadness of his son so he hugged him, the father-son way and continued talking.

- We're leaving the sanctuary. Ventari already knows. He will lead us to a secret path away from here, so we can meet with the shining blade, in the Maguuma Jungle.

- Dad, what is the Maguuma Jungle ? asked Chris, still crying from the death of his mother.

- You will soon see, Chris. Let's sleep and you will find out tomorrow.

I dreamed of a place called Cantha, a legendary place perhaps, the name sounds foreign to me. There was a monk, that monk was a woman. She was meditating in a big area, next to a monastery. She soon stood up, and engaged a conversation with the master of that place. The master was old, he had grey hair, he had wrinkles all over his face. He was wearing a blue robe, symbolising inspiration, sincerity and spirituality. The monk was angry, the only words I heard in my dream we're "Lion's Arch".

When I woke up, Ventari and my dad, Ronan, were ready to leave. I took what I had, before we left, I asked my dad what was Lion's Arch. He answered : "Lion's Arch is the capital of Kryta, the noble family once lived there. Because of the White Mantle pressure, the royal family had to live in the Lion's Arch Keep, where it does not have any power along Kryta. Princess Salma leads the Shining Blade, considered outlaws and rebels by the White Mantle.

We reached an area, called the Arbor Bay ruins. Ventari stopped, telling us to be silent. I wanted to ask what was happening, but Ronan put his hand on my mouth, so what was coming wouldn't hear us. I saw a caravan pass, it was full with weapons, swords,bows,staves, scepters and a lot more I simply didn't know. The creatures we saw were not human, they we're strangely resemblant to Ventari. What are centaurs doing in the Tarnished Coast !?

When the caravan was far enough, Ventari told us that centaurs must be buying weapons from the Asuran people to lead another war against the humans. Ronan asked :

- I cannot imagine another war, it could involve more than simply the centaurs and the humans, what if there is a major war, breaking apart factions and villages !?

- We cannot stop what is happenning, we can only observe from afar what both races are planning on each other.

We continued our way to the secret place Ronan wanted to show me, avoiding all the simians on the way, or as I like to call them, "evil monkeys". We finally reached an old staircase, leading straight to the underground. After we had made our descent down the dark and eerie staircase, I saw what my dad had talked to me about.
A portal, with symbols on it, oddly resembling Asuran dialects were written all over the portal. Ventari and Ronan stopped to bid eachother farewells, as they would probably never see each other ever again. Ronan grabbed my hand, taking my bags with him and we passed through the portal.

Chapter Two

We found ourselves in a weird region, I was surprised by the fog surrounding us, as it's quite uncommon to see fog in the Tarnished Coast. I stood up, looking at the surroundings. I spotted some creatures that were bizarrely alike of the Tarnished Coast creatures we used to see. My father said to me,

"Son, this is the Maguuma Jungle".

Ronan took my hand, and we walked, following a path of dirt. I could not believe my eyes, I would see humans for the first time, apart from my dad and I. We could see footprints, we realized we were close to a human settlement. We soon reached a human settlement, when we were in-signt of the outpost, I started running and spotted a signpost. I read in human writings, "Quarrel Falls Outpost". We soon entered the settlement. There, we met Clement, a merchant. Ronan introduced himself and I, calling ourselves "travelers", from very far. Clement asked us some questions in a nervous manner. Ronan quickly remarked that comportment and asked Clement.

-"Clement, We're not from the White Mantle as you may fear".

He pondered for a second, then asked :

"Alright, I believe you. You don't have the same attitude as the White Mantle and they are not allowed to have kids".

He invited us into his rudimentary home, he lighted up his fireplace and he made us tea from herbs harvested from the region. We conversed about local herbs, regions in Tyria, and Clement eventually talked about Lion's Arch.

-"Ahh Lion's Arch, the city of opportunities, the trading center of Tyria. I once lived there, until the White Mantle tortured me. Luckily, the Shining Blade organized my evasion from the camp of the Gate of Kryta. The White Mantle controls everything, good thing I'm in the Maguuma Jungle right ?" said Clement, happily saying his last sentence, proud of being from the Maguuma Jungle.

"Cle...Clement ? What is Lion's Arch about. I dreamt of something about that city! said Chris.

Chris then told Ronan and Clement his dream about the Canthan monk, which was a woman. He added that she mentioned the city of Lion's Arch.

-"What was her name, Chris ?" asked Ronan, curious of his dream.

-"I...do not know, I only heard the words Lion's and Arch". said Chris.

A deep silence entered the little house. Clement and Ronan were very curious, they waited for Chris to say something else about his dream. Chris then asked, timidly.

-"Dad, what is Cantha ?"

-"I don't remember well that name, I think it is a location somewhere in this world".

Chris seem't distracted, he could not explain that feeling, he was simply astonished. If Cantha is a location somewhere in this world, would it explain the strange world he saw in his dream ? All the creatures he saw, the large area near the monastery ... What about the old man which looked like the Master of the the monastery. But the part in his dream which made him think the most, was when the woman said the words "Lion's Arch".

Clement invited us for the night in his house. There were two beds, one for Ronan and I and another one for Clement. They both got sleep quickly, but I could not sleep, as I had my ideas somewhere else. Hours passed, I could not sleep. I decided to check Clement's papers, if he would own something that my father would need. I removed the bed sheets and stood up delicately, so Clement and Ronan would not hear me.

I looked around. The few things I saw were not what I was looking for. There was a fireplace, the two beds Clement and Ronan were sleeping in, a little library and a dark. Exactly what I was looking for ! I sat down on the wooden chair and I started to look for any documents my dad would need. I quickly discovered a map, the map had a lot of regions. One region was made of sand. I guessed it was a desert.
Another was made of light brown dirt, I could read a word "Ascalon" ... what happened to the grass !? What is this Ascalon ? I took the map and went to sleep. It finally came ... I had the Dream.

I saw the same Woman. She was next to a ship. The ship was made of wood that formed all together a circular deck. There was symbols written on it, I could not understand nor identify them. She climbed the little staircase that was separating her from the boat. I could hear a dialogue in my dream this time.

-"Here is my monastery credit, please bring me to Kaineng City." She asked, using an accent which was pretty uncommon to where I'm from.

-"Alright, we will be in Kaineng in two hours!" Answered the captain of the wooden ship, happy of making money

Chapter three

I woke up suddenly, my father was shaking me. I figured it was time to leave. Ronan was packing his bags, he had his leather armour on him and Clement was outside speaking with a costumer. I took the opportunity to ask my father about Ascalon.

-"Dad?"

-"Are you going to ask about your dream again ? He seem't curious about my answer.

-"Not really ... "

He seemed a bit disappointed of my answer but then I asked ...

-"What is Ascalon and why is it made of light brown dirt ? "

An awkward silence entered the house, Ronan took a deep breath and answered.

-" Ascalon was once full of grass. It was attacked by creatures known as Charrs. They look like tigers, they walk on two legs and they can communicate like we, humans do. They are divided by legions. They use weapons as we do. Some even have the power to summon walking minions from the dead. Ascalon city was my birthplace, it was siege'd when I had your age, Chris. I had 12 years old. My younger sister ...

Ronan started crying, Chris could feel his sadness. He could understand, as he lost his mother. He continued talking :

-"My younger sister was named Hannah. She was killed by them. Yes,Chris. You have an aunt."

Chris could not believe his father, how can he hide all of his family to him ? Why is he keeping all these secrets. Ronan took Chris's hand, he asked him :

-"If you have any questions about your family, don't hesitate to ask me. I'm sorry for hiding all these secrets from you. Sometimes, the truth hurts more then lies. I hope you will understand.

We packed our belongings and joined Clement outside for our last conversation before we would leave. Clement told us to take care, and as we were about to leave he yelled :

-"CHRIS! I FORGOT!"

I came back to hear him.
He then went back into his house, he took a little bag containing my present. He quickly removed the leather and what I saw made me so happy.

-"Chris, I want you to have this. I want you to have this bow. It was made out of local wood. It use to belong to a soldier that guarded this place for ages. He died eventually."

-"By the love of Dwayna! Thanks a lot, I will take good care of it."

-"I'm happy you like it. Here are some arrows for you to have." Added Clement, happy because Chris loved his present.

Chris and Clement gave each other their last farewells and Chris left with Ronan, his father.

When we were walking through this weird jungle, I showed my dad the map I had taken form Clement's house. He was surprised, he quickly added :

-"Chris, how did you get that map ?"

-"Euuh...uh. I don't know" said Chris, he was clearly lying.

-"You stole it didn't you !?" responded Ronan, angry of his child behaviour.

-"Yes I did. I'm sorry. I just thought it was something we'd need for our so called trip."

-"Your right, give me it. I'll try to locate where we are."

Ronan took the map, sat down on a rock and tried to localize where they were. After several minutes, he finally spoke and said :

-"I know where we are!" He said, happy of his discovery.

-"And ... where are we !?" Chris said, wondering about their location.

Please tell me in a constructive feedback what is good/bad about the story.

Thanks

!

M T N · Aug 28, 2011, 09:14 PM // 21:14

Very nice i loved it! i was sucked into the story and wanted to read more please continue with writing it ^^

Spiritz · Aug 28, 2011, 09:49 PM // 21:49

quite gd - one thing tho , do a spelling check because i think i keep seeing we're instead of were ( we're is abbr of we are ) , i think theres a few more but not sure ( late at night here and being 1/2 asleep ).

Denar · Aug 28, 2011, 10:01 PM // 22:01

At the moment, it's difficult to read as the use of commas (mainly) is clumsy, which ruins the flow of the writing. There are also sentences which are difficult to understand completely;
"When I woke up, Ventari and my dad, Ronan, we're ready to leave." <-- I would address issues like this before presenting work to the public, as it gives the impression that you can't write properly. This feeling is also effected by the misuses of "we're/were", "they're/their", "fulfilled" etc.

I would also say that this at the moment we couldn't criticise the story/plot itself, as it barely qualifies as being/having such. There are large gaps in the narrative; in the last paragragh, the protagonist goes from waking up, having packed, and reaching Arbor Bay within three sentences. The dialogue beforehand is, to be frank, uninspired. The language is unevocative and I get no feeling for any of the characters - what impressions am I supposed to be making of them? None of the characters are unique enough to establish their own individual voice - when I was reading that, the words of the characters could all have been said by the same person.

The opening paragraphs (which are supposed to grab the reader's attention) are, well, boring. They're just two lumps of unemotional summary that I could have read (in a better format) from the wiki.

Prestige · Aug 28, 2011, 10:02 PM // 22:02

Yes, I know.
I'm not good at grammar like some others.
My friend is currently helping me correcting my mistakes. I will update
soon the story with no mistakes on my user page on the wiki.
You can follow the updates on http://wiki.guildwars.com/wiki/User:Prestige/Story

@Denar

I took some stuff about the wiki because I thought that people who would read this were not all gw-players.
Thus not understanding some terms or regions.

and he is in Arbor Bay already, since the Ventari's sanctuary is a place in that area o-o

LanaDarkess · Aug 29, 2011, 04:54 AM // 04:54

I had trouble reading the intro. I found it to be a bit too explained and it dragged on a bit, but then again that is just me.

I've been having a similar idea with my Necro character, but what would happen if she woke up in gw2, 200 years in the future, not knowing anything about herself?

Prestige · Aug 29, 2011, 03:30 PM // 15:30

She could have the ''ancient'' dark magic (known today in current Guild wars 1) and then she could meet with new apprentices of new necromancers.

So she would be considered ''an ancient necromancer'', like Palawa Joko (which was reborn in the ''future'')

That's just an idea

!

Denar · Aug 29, 2011, 05:05 PM // 17:05

"I took some stuff about the wiki because I thought that people who would read this were not all gw-players."

That was not my point. My point was that the writing was uninspired. But if it helps, I'll change my statement to; "The opening lines are two lumps of unemotional summary." I was not implying they were informative by saying they looked like they were from a wiki (quite the opposite), I was saying they are boring, and fail to grab the readers attention (as opening paragraghs should).

"and he is in Arbor Bay already, since the Ventari's sanctuary is a place in that area o-o"

I'll have to change my statement to "There are large gaps in the narrative; in the last paragragh, the protagonist goes from waking up, having packed, and reaching Arbor Bay RUINS within three sentences." although you could have easily gathered the intent of that sentence by reading the three sentences it referred to. Please, find a way to avoid addressing the point again.

I see you've updated your story; a pity that the grammar is not fixed. You say you are not "good at it" and a friend will help you - but clearly you meant you are not good at spelling, because that is the only thing fixed. The misuse of commas is still present, which has caused the general sentence to be long-winded and unpleasant to read.

Also, the main character is told his mother was killed a long time ago (I can only imagine his thoughts being, "oh yea, I knew someone was missing..."), has a hug and then promptly forgets all about her. That made me cringe.

Prestige · Aug 29, 2011, 05:21 PM // 17:21

I updated my story on the wiki.
I added more emotion to it.

Prestige · Aug 29, 2011, 05:33 PM // 17:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by Denar

"
but clearly you meant you are not good at spelling,

I'm French, English is my third language.
I'm receiving help from my friend to check grammar and spelling to me because I can't write properly in English as others do.
Don't judge me on spelling, as it is something I can easily correct (with a corrector or w.e people use nowadays).

Denar · Aug 29, 2011, 06:15 PM // 18:15

Firstly, excellent way to not address my points. Telling me the story is somewhere else now. I've seen it, and all my concerns still apply.

Secondly, I am not judging you on spelling, I am judging you on sentence structure, and the poor use of grammar within. The amount of information you attempt to convey in each sentence is staggeringly over the top, and that's a problem that isn't language based (at least not if French is your first language).