Official. I made it myself, referring to all the halloween quests and dialogue from the collectors and other NPCs; though I prefer the original version of what I made.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bonjela
@Konig: I've finally had time to critique your story. ^^
Thoughts on overall plot (spoilers):
First of all, thanks for posting the summary; I understand your concerns about spoilers, but knowing the overall structure of the story will really help me (and others!) tailor my critiques.
Secondly: You haven't written anything for chapters 4 and 5. I assume this was an oversight, and that 4 and 5 explain what Thorn's "surprise" is.
I'm going to try and write a summary of the plot to see if I've understood it. (I haven't read any of your other stories yet, so I may well be confused about some things that get explained in more detail later; obviously, however, the basic plot of this story should be approachable for any new reader.)
The bratty prince from chapter 1 is essentially a red herring: the guy with the real interest in Konig is his elder brother, Palawa Joko, who wishes to use the Apocrypha to become more powerful than Konig because he's Palawa RED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GOing Joko.
Thorn initially arrives in Istan to befriend the royals, but Joko slowly turns him insane... though we don't learn why he wants to corrupt Thorn in this story.
I didn't notice any explanation for the cause of the scarab plague, but I assume that's also Joko's doing. Konig tries to save the day, but Joko's clever plague disables him, enabling Joko's escape.
Thoughts on chapter 2:
The first thing I notice about this chapter is that it doesn't cover all the plot points you set out for it in your summary: what happened to the befriending, and Janah's suspicions? I guess I can sort of see this being hinted at, but it feels like you're promising to go into more detail in the next chapter instead. Was that an intentional change?
Did we really need an entire chapter just to learn that Konig senses magic coming from the palace? Perhaps if he'd been doing something more interesting than just wandering aimlessly about, it might have been worth the read; as it is, however, it feels like you'd be better off melding it into chapter 1. Speaking of which, though ch1 establishes setting and characters, it does nothing to get the plot going.
I enjoyed the little lore easter eggs, such as the explanation of why a so-called city doesn't have any buildings in it, and the dramatic irony of a future undead Dread Lord being a lovely person.
I haven't looked at the edit suggestions themselves but I got comments on these two:
The plot summary I posted was originally written as a rough draft outline of the story that was meant for my eyes only, so naturally there will be some vague parts because I knew what would happen - I didn't bother altering it as I felt it gave "enough" for it to be helpful while still allowing some surprises (e.g., why Palawa Joko uses Thorn). Chapters 4 and 5 are blank because at the time I just didn't write them in - why? I knew what would happen then, but not how. It's basically a time period in which Thorn shows up and begins to attempt to woe the princess; meanwhile Konig investigates the royal family and I need to present both brothers as suspecting individuals (more so the younger - plot twist!). Same goes with the cause of the Scarab Plague - it will be mentioned, but I didn't bother putting it in the outline because as said I wrote it for myself not others.
Chapter 2 didn't do everything I originally planned because the outline is merely a rough draft - when I get to actually writing the story, sections become either longer or shorter than what I originally intended and thus I shift things around. This happened to chapter 2 in which it became longer than I suspected. I am weary of merging the first portion directly into chapter 1 because of length. Looking at chapter 2 again, I could easily add another smaller section.
Chapter 1 only introduces characters because I wrote it a while ago, and at that time I only knew the general plot (Joko, Thorn, and the Scarab Plague) and the characters. I hadn't known yet how to takeKonig arriving in the city and being bugged by a peasant-looking boy who was really a royal prince and connect it to attempting to prevent the Scarab Plague. Now I do.
Regarding chapter 1 and 2 on a whole though, I believe I will have to rewrite it - or at least portions of it - because it appear I was misremembering/completely mistaken/forgetting aspects of Fahranur in the game. For instance, they aren't pyramids like in other places in Istan, but trapazoids; and where I thought there were ruble in the southern portion, the ruble is more in the northern portion; likewise, there are no towers anywhere (that I completely made up and intended to explain it without words via aging and crumbling of stone). Just a few things I was mistaken on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bonjela
Quote:
“I am a guy, so I am a ‘him,’ but I don’t see how that is of any importance.” The two have passed several bazaars selling things from fish and grain to pieces of cheap jewelry and clothing; faces turned toward and away almost instantly as the two passed by. Neither were loud.
Bolded: Comma should go outside the quotes.
I have always learned and grew up being told that commas, periods, and so forth belong within quotation marks (be they one or two dashes), and never outside... which I agree upon as when they are outside, it just looks plain wrong. So I simply ask: are you sure?
@ the underlined there
@DBAA: See attachment.
Last edited by Konig Des Todes; Feb 07, 2012 at 11:15 AM // 11:15..
I have always learned and grew up being told that commas, periods, and so forth belong within quotation marks (be they one or two dashes), and never outside... which I agree upon as when they are outside, it just looks plain wrong. So I simply ask: are you sure?
Hmm, I've just checked, and it seems we're both right: punctuation inside the quotes is correct American style, but I was using British style, which says that punctuation only goes inside the quotes if it's part of the original material or ends a sentence. Your way jumped out as looking really wrong to me because I'm used to the British style, heh. ^^
Really quite proud of where this has taken off from. Don't think I've been this excited for a drawing since my martha stewart project in art class two years ago D:
Does anyone see anything inherintly wrong with the composition/anatomy? I would like to correct that now before transferring it to the boards.
sidenote; i drew out a grid to try going closer to my original sketch, but I think I might leave it. reason one is time, as I will have absolute minimum time/energy very soon. I can work on this tomorrow and thursday night, then likely wont have the ability to work on it en masse until october 8th (you know... five days before the deadline :|..) I might have to paint in small sections at a time over the course of the week, but I'd prefer to cut out big chunks at a time. :3
second reason is I just really like the scale of this piece in comparison to if it was just MKT. :3
So yes; please try and see whats wrong that I could try and fix, so that (hopefully) tomorrow night i can get it one step closer to paint. ^^
eep! it's been a while since i've stopped by and there's so much to catch up on :O Just wanted to say YAY for the new participants and DOUBLE-YAY for familiar faces joining in the fun again
Quick mentions, sorry I can't get to everyone, but I need to go to bed soon D:
@ DBAA: hehe, I like the idea of ginormous MKT! I feel like the proportions are off, but I wasn't sure if that was intentional as artsy (example, the thighs are super thin, his left shoulder is huge, left forearm is comparably short).
@bonjela: I kinda agree that the lighting is off since the moon is in the back, for example, the front arch is lit as much as the back pillar on the right. Perhaps if you have a wider illumination range, it might make it look less off? For example, is 0 is black and 100 is white, you can have the super bright parts (direct reflection of the moon - shouldn't be many) at about 80, where the light bends around edges and curves as around 40-80, areas where the viewer directly faces (that front arch face) at about 40, and then the darker areas as 0-40. If that makes *any* sense. I'm super sleepy so sorry if it doesn't XD
Real Life Prizes: [X] (tick this if you wish to compete for real-life prizes, if we have any - if you select this and we do have RL prizes, then you must be willing to provide your real address via email)
Official Contest: [X] (tick this if youre submitting your entry to the official contest at www.guildwars.com)
Workshop Awards: [X] (tick this if you want to compete for the workshop awards (you forfeit your chance to be a judge)
Name: Draken Burst
Art Form: Illustration
Idea: Ghosts VS Ghouls. A necromancer and ritualist having a haunting battle during Halloween. Done with black pen and colored pencils.
Progress Gallery: http://dragongirl-lucky-13.deviantart.com/
Real Life Prizes: [X] (tick this if you wish to compete for real-life prizes, if we have any - if you select this and we do have RL prizes, then you must be willing to provide your real address via email)
Official Contest: [_] (tick this if youre submitting your entry to the official contest at www.guildwars.com)
Workshop Awards: [X] (tick this if you want to compete for the workshop awards (you forfeit your chance to be a judge)
Last edited by Draken Burst; Sep 30, 2011 at 03:03 AM // 03:03..
@Draken Burst: Hi there, nice entries! It looks like you've finished already, but I have a comment on the cake anyway: you've used household lightbulbs to illuminate the photos, which gives them a glaring yellow colour. I recommend adjusting the colours to something more neutral in photoshop, or re-taking the photos (if you haven't eaten the cake yet) using natural light from a window.
@Thistle Xandra: Thanks a lot for the feedback! I understand what you mean; perhaps I'll make a swatch and see if that helps me stick to a reasonable range.
@DBAA: Wow, that's a cool scene! I'm looking forward to seeing how you colour it. Critique under the spoiler:
Composition as a whole seems fine, though there's a lot of empty space in the lower left panel. Also, the shadow being cast by the little person is pointing in the wrong direction (unless Thorn's faceglow is casting the shadow, in which case there should be a second, darker shadow to account for the moon).
Thorn's anatomy is off; you've chosen quite a tricky angle to draw him at, so it's important to use a skeleton before you try to add details. Here's a sketch of Thorn's skeleton as you've drawn him, with comments (I hope you don't mind that I've scribbled on your piece):
You might also find it helpful to use stock photos of people in similar poses as reference.
*peek* Oh dear, I think I am quite late for the party. I'm hoping I can still join?
Is there anyone making ToT bag full of goodies yet? If not, I'd like to call the idea as my own. If I finish the full set on time (if ever), I might actually submit it to the official contest.
Edit:
Forgot about the form...
Name: satomz
Art Form: decoration
Idea: miniature ToT bag-o-goodies
Progress Gallery: to be added once I actually start making things
Real Life Prizes: [_]
Official Contest: [x] (if I finish everything on time)
Workshop Awards: [x]
Last edited by satomz; Sep 28, 2011 at 02:40 PM // 14:40..
Name: Penguin
Art Form: Something Different
Idea: Sexy Miss Universe
Progress Gallery: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoKg7...layer_embedded
Real Life Prizes: [X]
Official Contest: [X] Hells Yess!!
Workshop Awards: [X]
@Draken Burst: Hi there, nice entries! It looks like you've finished already, but I have a comment on the cake anyway: you've used household lightbulbs to illuminate the photos, which gives them a glaring yellow colour. I recommend adjusting the colours to something more neutral in photoshop, or re-taking the photos (if you haven't eaten the cake yet) using natural light from a window.
That was natural lighting, the cream-cheese topping dried and became very glossy/reflective. I'll see what I can do in photoshop but I actually did the shading with food coloring to add some contrast to it.
@Penguin: Whoa. O_O That's the coolest thing I've seen all week.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Draken Burst
That was natural lighting, the cream-cheese topping dried and became very glossy/reflective. I'll see what I can do in photoshop but I actually did the shading with food coloring to add some contrast to it.
But yes, the cake has been devoured.
Whoops, sorry, it looked so yellow to me that I assumed you'd used tungsten lightbulbs. ^^ The cake itself looks alright, tbh, (and delicious!) but the background is so yellow that a little blue to balance out the images wouldn't hurt.
@Thistle It was a little intentional, however not to the extent that bonjella pointed out (which I will need to fix :S). I was trying to do a perspective thing, where the side closer to us was larger (trying to make it feel closer), but this was before it was a scene and it would have just been himself.
@Konig The torso was shorter for the perspective, he was suppost to be leaning over slightly so the torso was to be minimally seen. The bones are actually there, between the belt and the line... I didnt know what to do with them without using colour to distinguish it wasnt armor. But it will (hopefully) be more obvious in colour.
@Bonjela Thank you for the detailed response It really is helpful, especially the over-drawing. So ,generally, in order;
I agree whole heartedly that the bottom left/left side needs something. I don't know what to put in though. I don't want to put in a forest or the like, because it just doesn't feel like it would work and would just be awkward. I dont want to just throw down a horizon line because it feels like it would look more like an island/ isolated awkwardly.
The shadow on the person (and the person in general, two birds with one stone) is going to come from MKT's face. All confrontational and such. I put the cliff and the person in, then the moon which is why the shadow isnt put togethor (i think I added the moon 10 minutes before bed :X). However, because it might not be clear with the sketch, I want to make the sky haze-y/cloudy, so the moon will be partially covered with cloud and wont be a primary light source. It will still be bright and there, but it is intended as more decoration. Would making it smaller help to give that effect, or would the clouds be enough?
I think I will need to re-draw this all out again [conveniantly, I had another grid prepared just incase]. Because I see what you mean with the anatomy. The stock I used was essentially cut off just as the original little sketch I did. When I moved to the grid, I just extended down and... guessed :| The head wasn't intended to be down like you've sketched, but more up/open. However, with the person on the cliff (again, added after the basis) and MKT's face as the lightsource your positioning may work much better.
Anatomy is by far my weakest skill, so I'll draw this out again with some fixes tonight. But I'm absolutely clueless for the lower left corner.
@Draken Those both look excellent! Good luck with the results I really like the pencil crayon piece, was never good with that medium myself despite really liking pencil :/
@Penguin GUHHHHHH very nice. I have a friend who is obsessed with longboarding, and would kill to have a board like that. Personally prefer Miss Orr, but both are fantastic. The whole video I just kept thinking "Why the heck is he making a charr? I thought he was painting a woman. Wait, there it is again. Wait is that a spider? And now a pumpkin?! ... OOHHHH."
I had no idea what a "longboard" was, so I was just admiring your painting skills until the "second" board popped up and I started wondering what this was really about, then the final result appears and I was like AWESOME!! The design is so cool, fantastic work on this one!!!