Curse

Ultimate_Gaara · Jan 16, 2006, 05:10 AM // 05:10

Chuck Norris actualy died 10 years ago, however Death has not yet found the courage to tell him.

General Typhus · Jan 16, 2006, 05:17 AM // 05:17

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

# In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Sentao Nugra · Jan 16, 2006, 05:43 AM // 05:43

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Internet? Ha! All this is just Chuck's spare brain power that he allows the "networks" and "servers" to access.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya"

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both 'deflowered' the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman's uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks.

Through a series of valves and filters, Chuck Norris' urine is filtered from his plumbing and stored in containers in his basement. Every night, his household staff drains these containers into bottles, labels them, and sells them for a very nice profit. This is where cristal champagne comes from.

Chuck Norris and Cleve Blakemore once roundhouse kicked each other at the same time. Scientists now refer to this event as the Big Bang.
Actually, any scientist who isn't an intelligent design sham artist refers to it as "the descent of Cleve Blakemoore's broken body to the floor", and sometimes as, "The Origin of Feces (in Blakemoore's Pants)."

In the first public beta for World of Warcraft the three Warrior talent trees were called Norris, T, and Koontz. When a warrior reached level ten and assigned his first talent point the universe restarted. This happened thirty-six times before Blizzard finally realized that they were toying with forces beyond their control and renamed the talent trees.
Debug logs later showed that users who allocated their first talent point into a non-Norris tree immediately had their warriors roundhouse-kicked into perma-death, while users who allocated to non-T trees were immediately spammed with "pity" messages. Users who allocated their first talent point to the Koontz tree immediately had their keybindings randomly reassigned, followed by pity, followed by a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Tornadoes are a myth. Chuck Norris just doesn't like trailer parks.

Chuck Norris swallows Rubix Cubes and shits them out solved.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a mountain in Kansas.

In 1982, the Levi's Jeans Corporation invented a special fabric that is in every way superior to denim called "delta denim." It was stronger, better looking, and resisted wear and tear more readily. It is illegal for anyone besides Chuck Norris to wear this special fabric, and it is all that he wears.

Chuck Norris has actually promoted special jeans made for high kicks and aimed at martial artists, sadly nothing amazing happened because of this, as its true.
Due to an agreement with the United Nations in an effort to make our troops safer, the special technology has come into limited legal release for the consumer. Chuck Norris has given his permission.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just not his own.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

(\__/)
(X.x )
(> < ) Sorry but yur bunnies plan of world domination was stopped by a round house kick by Chuck Norris...

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have
a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in
every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the [censored] out of viruses.
That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he
can "accidentally" beat the [censored] out of little kids.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor
wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Whoever told you there are special effects in the Matrix is lying. For the 360 degree scenes, they just attached a camera to Chuck Norris's left foot.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. O.o?

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When cops pull Chuck Norris over, he writes THEM a ticket. And they never take it to court.

The leading cause of death in America is not smoking. It is, in fact, Chuck Norris. The supposedly rising number of people that die from smoking, is just a cover up of Norris' true ability.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

It has long been believed that the reason Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden was because they had eaten the forbidden fruit. This has now been proven false and it has been discovered that they were kicked out because God had put Chuck Norris in the middle of the garden and Eve couldn't resist his beard and stunning good looks so she slept with him and when Adam tried to scold Eve about it Chuck Norris round-house kicked Adam in the head causing God to realize the Eve was a RED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GO and Adam was a pansy and they must be banished from the Garden of Eden.

Chuck norris used to work at office max and cut paper with his thighs.

The reason Michael Jackson had to get plastic surgery on his nose is because Chuck Norris round house kicked him and it fell off.

I hope chuck norris doesnt read these or I will be getting round house kicked tonight.

Chuck Norris was once offered the role of Batman for the original movie. He took this as an insult to his martial arts ability and in a fit of rage roundhouse kicked Micheal Keaton into existence.

Once, a man died while checking his answering machine. This was because Chuck Norris left him a message of him roundhouse kicking the phone.

Moses didn't part the Red Sea, the sheer gust of wind from a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick did.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a person so hard it hurt his foot, not accustomed to feeling pain Chuck ripped his foot off out of anger and grew a new one.

Science didn't split the atom the atom split itself because it saw Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

------------------------------------

simple search on google, and after looking at 5 pages i came up with all of these...

one could never imagine the awesomeness of Chuck Norris, without fear of being roundhouse kicked to the face and inducing massive brain damage, but most probably death.

I pwnd U · Jan 16, 2006, 06:14 AM // 06:14

When Vin Diesel was a child, Charles Lee Ray entered the body of one of Vin's "Good Guy" dolls. The resulting events are the basis for The Godfather.

Vin Diesel was black, until he had to change colour to qualify for a country club membership in Virginia.

Vin Diesel holds the record for rolling his car over 56 times whilst single handedly negotiating a peace treaty with the IRA.

Rambo: First Blood Part 2 is actually based on Vin Diesel's military career at Vietnam. It is just heavily tuned down for Hollywood audience.

Vin Diesel writes under the pen name Cliff Notes.

The seventh and last Harry Potter book will be called Vin Diesel and Harry Potter. JK Rowlings at first tried to convince him not to break the continuity and call it Harry Potter and Vin Diesel, or perhaps Harry Potter and the Vin Diesel, but Vin said he "didnt want none of that shit". Hermione dies at the hands of Vin at the beginning of the book, and much of the rest is spent celebrating at Hogwarts with him.

Vin Diesel doesn't go to work. It comes to him.

By law, Vin Diesel must give 24 hours notice before he sneezes. This way the maintenance crew at Skydome has time to close the roof.

Vin Diesel makes rubber cement by punching the RED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GO out of normal cement.

Vin Diesel could have prevented the Titanic from sinking but was busy trying to figure out where he went wrong when he tried to save the Lusitania.

Vin Diesel started WW2, killed Kennedy, took down the Berlin wall, beat up Osama, and didnt even need to go potty.

When Vin was asked why he never goes to the bathroom, he replied, "What happens in Vin Diesel, stays in Vin Diesel."

The one Casey Squid · Jan 16, 2006, 06:23 AM // 06:23

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women

Red Locust · Jan 16, 2006, 08:17 AM // 08:17

When chuck norris wants to hear some facts about himself, he uses google and searches for "chuck norris facts."

edit: P.S.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
1:Heart disease
2:Chuck Norris
3:Cancer

unienaule · Jan 16, 2006, 11:03 AM // 11:03

4:Mr Rodgers

Knido · Jan 16, 2006, 01:13 PM // 13:13

Chuck norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris

*i posted alot of these in the off topic thread

*

TheEPIC · Jan 16, 2006, 05:12 PM // 17:12

Objects with more mass have more gravity. Consequently, most of the universe is attracted to Mr. T's chains. However, they are kept in equilibrium due to the fact that Mr. T scares the crap out of anything coming too close.

Mr. T destroyed the periodic table, saying Mr. T. only recognizes the element of surprise.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

Mr. T has removed Pee Wee Herman from existence for making fun of his cereal.

Mr. T scared the black out of Michael Jackson.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.

Mr. T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr. T in the chest. The result was the 80's.

Mr. T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one of the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to slow him down, and you're lucky the do, fool!

5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.

23. That's the number of fools Mr. T has pitied in the time it took you to read this sentence.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.

Mr. T is not black, the sun is just too afraid to shine on him.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Like King Midas, everything Mr. T touches turns to gold, even food. Unlike King Midas, Mr. T has learned to ingest gold, like a real man would.

All that glitters is not gold: If it's not being worn by Mr. T, then it's just jibba jabba, and Mr. T pities the fool who can't tell the difference. This is where the phrase "fool's gold" comes from.

Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr. T, and it was a warning.

If you were born before 1980, there is a good chance that Mr. T is your father. If you were born after, it's guaranteed.

Mr. T once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Mr. T was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

A break in the space-time continuum occurred on July 9th, 1986. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a guy into Mr. T while he was pitying some fool. Mr. T and Chuck Norris had words (better known as jibba jabba). Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Mr. T at the exact moment Mr. T punched him in the chest. The result was an alternate universe where Mr. T roundhouse kicks people and Chuck Norris pities fools.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

Sol_Vie · Feb 10, 2006, 01:15 AM // 01:15

I'm really sorry to resurrect this thread again, but this happened the other day and I just got around to editing the picture. Enjoy (and sorry again- don't worry it'll disappear quickly enough)!

Swampgirl Inez · Feb 10, 2006, 01:21 AM // 01:21

How did I miss this thread... and all the other Chuck Norris stuff?

Bak Chi Jai · Feb 10, 2006, 01:53 AM // 01:53

moo

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx

Quote:

IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris

cheesepie

Talon Berethin · Feb 17, 2006, 04:48 AM // 04:48

Here it is.

Chuck Norris and Wolverine once got into a fight together. During the fight Chuck Norris lost his left testicle before killing Wolverine. You may know the testicle by it's more common name: Jupiter.

Doc Holliday · Feb 17, 2006, 07:16 AM // 07:16

This one is very politically incorrect but dont get mad at me. My friend told me and I have to share it.

What is Chuck Norris's favorite vegatable? Terry Schaivo.....

I no I no its bad...

You know you laughed though so you are a horrible person too

M C H A M M E R · Feb 17, 2006, 05:14 PM // 17:14

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sentao Nugra

Chuck Norris Can touch MC Hammer

NOOOOOOOO!LOL

Paul Mahdi · Feb 18, 2006, 12:47 AM // 00:47

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

Nyax Soulreaper · Feb 18, 2006, 03:56 AM // 03:56

i dunno if this has been posted but my fav is

Mr.T once took the ten o'clock train home. He still refuses to give it back.

Sol_Vie · Feb 18, 2006, 03:59 AM // 03:59

I think this thread is on a ventilator now. Take the vent out and it'll die. Apparently you all like keepin vegetables alive! @_@

Pyrrhus · Feb 18, 2006, 11:21 AM // 11:21

Dont know its in in here but:
Mr T soakes himself in petrol and tries to light it. It does light so he says "i pity the fuel"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to pay taxes to the goverment, they pay taxes to him.

Chuck Norris caused Jesus to appear by roundhouse kicking God out of heaven.