Curse

Goats17 · Jun 01, 2006, 02:16 AM // 02:16

Hello to everyone reading this. I have to hand in an essay to my school on Friday, and i was wondering if anyone can give me some constructive critiscm. And I know I can't spell. So let's not bring that up shall we? BTW, I believe it is important to mention that I am in grade 8, and only 14.

Don’t you hate it when a total stranger, and complete jerk, starts calling someone a name or making fun of them? Just because they are the same race,gender or religion as someone else? There are too many people like that in the world, and with the internet and online games… They can insult people without leaving the comfort of their chair. Online games like Everquest, World of Warcraft or Guild Wars. But in games with over a million player, it’s almost expected that some of them will be racist pigs. Online games, and the Internet itself, have made isms worse. Racism, Elitism, and Stereotypes, which I will be talking more about. Stereotypes, like all Asian players are E-bayers, people who don’t know absolutely everything are noobs (a derogatory term for new player) or twelve years old, or if you don’t have the best skills or stuff that you aren’t worth a second look, have been made worse by the introduction of Massively Multiplayer Online Games (MMOG).

Selling ‘online’ or ‘fake’ gold is a profitable, but illegal, market that began in Everquest. It spread like a disease to all other MMOGs. It has become a major money-making scheme. Some people in Japan, Korea, and China have made ‘gaming sweatshops’ where grossly underpaid people monitor computers all day. They are watching ‘Bots’. Programs that are specifically designed to do repeated tasks all day. The employers make well over a million dollars a month, while paying the employees only $300 average. E-Bay truly will sell anything.

When most people start playing online games, they don’t know what to do. Most people forget that, so when a new person enters the game and asks a question that would be common knowledge to more experienced players, they are insulted, some even to the point where they have stopped playing the game. This annoys me, as well as my friends in-game, because at one point all these players were asking the same questions.

Some people defend themselves by saying that they went and found the answers for themselves and didn’t have help. They say that all the new people should do what they did. But this is part of my next topic. I won’t get into it here.

‘Elitists are people that have to have the best of everything, and truly believe that they are the best, without a doubt, no room to improve. They won’t even talk to you if you don’t meet their criteria or requirements for whatever you’re doing. They believe in two things, the best and the worthless. They believe that they are the best, and everyone else is worthless. If anyone beats them in anything, they blame the people grouping with them, or a glitch in the game, or a hacker that ‘messed them up’. They never run out of excuses. They will kick you out if they are a group leader or leave if they find out that you don’t play you’re game they way they want you to. I play with many people that use common skills with a twist, and we normally do better than the groups that insist on controlling every single thing that you do. People that have an open mind are better players, because they are willing to try new things. And they always know that they can improve, not like some people that I have mentioned.

All the things that I have mentioned were made worse by the opening of the internet to everyone. And escalated with the world-wide spread of MMOGs. These people may have existed before, but they had to go outside to discriminate. Now, they can alienate entire religions, just by logging on to their computer and booting up their favourite games.

Tickle · Jun 01, 2006, 02:26 AM // 02:26

Just remember, its your teacher you have to convince not us. We could say, "Alter this" or "Alter that" but truly, if your happy with it then thats what counts..

Lampshade · Jun 01, 2006, 02:44 AM // 02:44

One typo "But in games with over a million playerS".

spell check doesn't catch it all.

What is this supposed to be on? Are you trying to just inform the reader about ebaying and elitism?, or trying to persuade them?Also if you told us what grade your in it would help.

TopGun · Jun 01, 2006, 02:49 AM // 02:49

TV, Electronic Games, etc. Should be left out of essays altogether. I think you need to figure out why for yourself to truly understand it, but to keep things short and sweet:

Using a book to back up the evidence of a point is outstanding, because you're taking the thoughts of a coherent author and fabricating an intellectual conclusion around his work. The stuff you see on TV, or read on the internet, is not anything you can really base legitimate conclusions on. (Exceptions are literary sources such as NYTIMES.com, etc).

Now, while you have managed to come to some (struggling) conclusions regarding human instinct and nature through this game, I believe if you could back up your point with a more legit, less anonymous source (IE NOT THE INTERNET) you would have a much stronger point. You talk a lot about "elitists," but you need to acknowledge that "Elitists" exist outside the world of computer gaming. There are many books that delve into this sort of thing; I'm not sure how advanced your reading level is, but a perfect example would be the play Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller. In that play, a father raises his sons in a very "Elitist" mindset, where they have to be the best at everything they do. The play is often humorous, but moreso, it is a great portrayal of the "elitist" nature you discuss. If you have time, go hunt down the play and read it.

If you do not understand why TV/Internet Gaming is such a horrible medium for the assessment of human character, then you DEFINATELY need to read more, and spend some quality time alone, just thinking about the subject. The anonymity of the internet makes it difficult to properly assess human nature. The cyber world and real world are different places.

As for this line...

Quote:

But this is part of my next topic. I won’t get into it here.

NEVER PUT THAT. If you have something to say, say it. If what you want to say doesn't belong there, move it. You never need that line, ever.

Your writing needs work, but it will probably come with age. I'm 17 myself.

(Lampy, he's in 8th grade!)

generik · Jun 01, 2006, 02:59 AM // 02:59

It seems pretty good I think, for a 8th grader.. lol

I think that essay would score pretty high on an IELTS test, that said however I found it a bit informal. For instance the bit about insults that personally "insults me", the reader might not be that interested in your personal feelings, but need more substantive backing behind your words.

Just 0.02

TopGun · Jun 01, 2006, 03:24 AM // 03:24

"Don't you hate it when..."

That's an awful way to start an essay. Actually, your entire tone is so casual that it makes you come off as a ranting teenageer- not a good thing, even if you are one. Do a google on "thesis statement."

Lampshade · Jun 01, 2006, 03:55 AM // 03:55

I think you are saying "They" too much, use different words to begin your sentences. Also, your essay sounds like a textbook, boring and bland. Most people won't even know what the hell your talking about, try to relate it to somthing else or spice it up a lil.

PS: Are you using a specific writing model? Or just writing sentences as they come to you?

Demesis · Jun 01, 2006, 06:06 AM // 06:06

Wow, this thread has turned into a grammar-correcting session :P

Goats17 · Jun 01, 2006, 11:24 PM // 23:24

Yeah, it has. Thanks for all the help guys. I've made some changes and I think it's better for all our suggestions. You guys have upped my mark by a few points.

PtiteDiablesse · Jun 02, 2006, 02:08 AM // 02:08

Coupla pointers to think about for academic papers that will come in handy to bump up your mark a bit, especially later on in high school/college/university:

Never use contractions. Okay, you *can* use them, but generally-speaking you're going to be better off without them, and the paper will come across as being a bit more formal and professional.

Point-of-view writing. If at all possible, refrain from using the first-person when writing an academic paper. Your paper is going to be much more professional and coherent, and it will allow you to take a step back from what you're writing. In other words, your paper will read as an essay rather than an opinion piece.

Quote:

But this is part of my next topic. I won’t get into it here.

Never ever EVER EVER!!!! write that or anything similar. I can guarantee you that you can lose a letter grade by writing that. You should absolutely follow the topic, and you should absolutely discuss it.
You should also try to play the devil's advocate in your papers. This means that you defend you point of view by examining opposing points of view. Argue your point of view. You want your reader to buy into what you're saying, and this is made easier if you can defend against opposing arguments.

Generally, opening an essay with a question like what you have is a bad idea. An introduction doesn't have to be too complex. All you need to do is present your thesis and summarize what you will be discussing in the body of your paper. This means you don't need to cover too much in the introduction.

I'll do a closer editing that will hopefully be of use to you. Just a head's up though, I did it pretty quickly and use a lot of point form. So I'm not being terse or gruff or condescending or insulting, I just don't want to be at it all night, so I haven't prettied up my comments that much, heh.

Quote:

Don’t you hate it when a total stranger, and complete jerk, starts calling someone a name or making fun of them? Just because they are the same race,gender or religion as someone else? There are too many people like that in the world, and with the internet and online games… They can insult people without leaving the comfort of their chair. Online games like Everquest, World of Warcraft or Guild Wars. But in games with over a million player, it’s almost expected that some of them will be racist pigs. Online games, and the Internet itself, have made isms worse. Racism, Elitism, and Stereotypes, which I will be talking more about. Stereotypes, like all Asian players are E-bayers, people who don’t know absolutely everything are noobs (a derogatory term for new player) or twelve years old, or if you don’t have the best skills or stuff that you aren’t worth a second look, have been made worse by the introduction of Massively Multiplayer Online Games (MMOG).

-First sentence is unnecessary and too opinionated. Don't open your essay by referring to someone as a jerk.
-"Just because they... someone else." Who is "they" and who is the "someone else"? Some confusion as to which refers to whom.
-It's not so much the comfort of one's chair that brings this sort of bad behaviour out, as the privacy that sitting behind a computer affords
-"Online... Guild Wars." This is a sentence fragment.
-"...almost expected...racist pigs." The use of "almost" here is what's called a filtering word. You're trying to convince the reader of something. State it concretely and as though you believe it. Also, the "racist pig" comment is, again, opinionated and subjective.
-"Online games..." Here, isms should probably look like this: "-isms", complete with quotes. Also, rather than end with a period, use a colon. You're presenting your thesis here. "...have made '-isms' worse: racism, elitism, and stereotypes." Incidentally, "stereotypes" is not an "-ism".
-"which I will be talking more about." You've just presented your thesis. It's a given that you'll be talking about this in your essay, so you don't need to say that you'll be talking about it.
-Your introduction should probably end about here. Beginning to talk about stereotypes should really go into the body of your essay.
-"noobs." I'd put this in quotation marks like this: '...know everything are "noobs", a derogatory term for a new player.'
Written like this also dispenses with the filtering word "absolutely" and the parentheses.
-"... or twelve years old." Are they really twelve years old? Or are they called twelve-year-olds? I'd also end here with a period and start the next sentence like so: "...twelve years old. If you do not have the best skills or items, then you aren't worth a second glance."

Quote:

Selling ‘online’ or ‘fake’ gold is a profitable, but illegal, market that began in Everquest. It spread like a disease to all other MMOGs. It has become a major money-making scheme. Some people in Japan, Korea, and China have made ‘gaming sweatshops’ where grossly underpaid people monitor computers all day. They are watching ‘Bots’. Programs that are specifically designed to do repeated tasks all day. The employers make well over a million dollars a month, while paying the employees only $300 average. E-Bay truly will sell anything.

-"gold." I'd say "currency" here.
-"profitable..." You're starting to get into a little comma trouble. Try to rephrase this.
-"spread like a disease." I'd actually steer clear of the similes and attach this sentence to the previous sentence thusly: "...in Everquest and quickly spread to other MMOGs." Also, this phenomenon didn't spread to "all" other games unless you can prove that it did so.
-"scheme" I just don't like the word 'scheme' here and would like to see a different word choice.
-"watching 'bots'...Programs that..." Make this into one sentence: "...watching 'bots', which are programs..." Otherwise you have a sentence fragment.
-"The employers..." You make an unsubstantiated claim that *all* employers make a million dollars a month. Either back it up, or revise the statement.
-"Ebay truly..." How so? What does Ebay have to do with this? You haven't told me, and you need to assume that I don't know anything about how this sweat shop industry works.

Quote:

When most people start playing online games, they don’t know what to do. Most people forget that, so when a new person enters the game and asks a question that would be common knowledge to more experienced players, they are insulted, some even to the point where they have stopped playing the game. This annoys me, as well as my friends in-game, because at one point all these players were asking the same questions.

-Run-on sentence here. Also, you and your on-line friends are not a reliable source, and your annoyance is, again, subjective and opinionated.

Quote:

Some people defend themselves by saying that they went and found the answers for themselves and didn’t have help. They say that all the new people should do what they did. But this is part of my next topic. I won’t get into it here.

-I've already lambasted you for this, so I'll leave off.

Quote:

‘Elitists are people that have to have the best of everything, and truly believe that they are the best, without a doubt, no room to improve. They won’t even talk to you if you don’t meet their criteria or requirements for whatever you’re doing. They believe in two things, the best and the worthless. They believe that they are the best, and everyone else is worthless. If anyone beats them in anything, they blame the people grouping with them, or a glitch in the game, or a hacker that ‘messed them up’. They never run out of excuses. They will kick you out if they are a group leader or leave if they find out that you don’t play you’re game they way they want you to. I play with many people that use common skills with a twist, and we normally do better than the groups that insist on controlling every single thing that you do. People that have an open mind are better players, because they are willing to try new things. And they always know that they can improve, not like some people that I have mentioned.

-Real problem here is that you end up redefining the same thing a couple times. You can trim this significantly.
-"...play you're" AGHHHH! 'Your' or 'you're'? In a couple years, your teachers are just going to crucify you for your/you're and its/it's mistakes.
-Again, you are using subjective experiences to back up your argument. We only have your word that your group does better than the 'elitist' groups. Does this apply in all situations?
-Well, being open-minded and willing to try new things does not necessarily equate to knowing that one can improve. I could say that I'm willing to try any PVP build, but I know I'll never have any significant success in HoH.
-"...not like some people I have mentioned." Well... you didn't mention any people, and this is again subjective. How do you know elitists don't think they have room for improvement? I might be god's gift to Guild Wars, but I might think I can be even better, and widen the gap between myself and the common rabble.

Quote:

All the things that I have mentioned were made worse by the opening of the internet to everyone. And escalated with the world-wide spread of MMOGs. These people may have existed before, but they had to go outside to discriminate. Now, they can alienate entire religions, just by logging on to their computer and booting up their favourite games.

-"opening of the internet" Really don't like this. Maybe something like: "The previous points were made worse by the widened availability of the internet"
-"And..." Never begin a sentence with 'and'.

Anyhow, there are a few points to ponder.

Ristaron · Jun 02, 2006, 02:28 AM // 02:28

The number one thing you should never do in an essay is 'diss'. If you 'diss', it just means you have nothing really against it except some undefinable objection. Try to be as neutral as possible.
That said, an essay is basically an argument in which the goal is to convince the reader that your side is the right side (or the less evil side, depending on the situation). Therefore you must present your arguments in a way that makes the most sense. Generally this means your best argument first.

As far as mechanics, you could use to look over your punctuation a little bit. You have made a few simple mistakes that are easily corrected.
One example:

Quote:

Selling ‘online’ or ‘fake’ gold is a profitable, but illegal, market that began in Everquest.

The 'but illegal' should be seperated from 'profitable' by a comma, as it is, but should not be enclosed in commas. You only enclose something in commas when it is relevant to something outside the sentence, but not the current subject (connecting words are a good example. "The pop left a lasting impression. The wine, however, was not so strong."), or able to be left out of the sentence and not affect the meaning.

On another note, try to avoid using 'I', 'me', and 'my' in an essay. This ties into the whole 'being neutral' thing.

Quote:

People that have an open mind are better players, because they are willing to try new things. And they always know that they can improve, not like some people that I have mentioned.

These two sentences have a few errors that are easily solved.
1) 'People that...' These people are not inatimate objects, therefore it should be 'People who...'.
2) You should either take out the comma in the first sentence, or turn it into a period and make the second part an independant sentence (which only requires a small change in wording). As it is, it's almost a comma splice (having two complete sentences on either side of a comma).
3) Don't start a sentence with 'and' when writing an essay.
4) Again, the use of 'I'... try to be neutral.

Quote:

But this is part of my next topic. I won’t get into it here.

Quote:

...which I will be talking more about.

It has already been raised by someone else, but I feel the need to emphasize: do not tell us what you're going to say, just say it.

Quote:

There are too many people like that in the world, and with the internet and online games… They can insult people without leaving the comfort of their chair.

May I ask why the elipses (...) have been included? Elipses are rather unprofessional. I would suggest de-capitalizing 'They' and taking out the elipses and have it one sentence.
If the elipses have been added for dramatic effect, I recommend an exclamation mark ( ! ) at the end of the sentence.

Aside from that, just looking over the essay again after leaving it for a while will go a long way as far as figuring out better way to word things. This method also teaches you how to improve your grammar and use of language on your own -- something that's infinitely more rewarding than having someone else edit your stuff (which is, of course, very useful anyways).

Hope I helped, and please don't take my critisism harshly... I know I tend to seem like I'm disdainful when I'm editting. You write a lot like I used to, actually...

Canadian Bacon · Jun 02, 2006, 04:07 AM // 04:07

I'm unsure if someone already said this, but it is absolutely incorrect to use "I" and "you" in a formal literary essay. Being in grade 10 myself, I know a thing or two about essays. I have written about 5 so far this year.

You seem to have a bit of trouble with beginning your sentences with words like "but" or "and". These are meant to string your two related thoughts together, not begin a new thought.

I was having trouble discerning your thesis. I would rewrite with a nice, simple inumerative thesis statement. Something like this should suffice:

Before:
Racism, Elitism, and Stereotypes, which I will be talking more about. Stereotypes, like all Asian players are E-bayers, people who don’t know absolutely everything are noobs (a derogatory term for new player) or twelve years old, or if you don’t have the best skills or stuff that you aren’t worth a second look, have been made worse by the introduction of Massively Multiplayer Online Games (MMOG).

After:
Racism, elitism and stereotyping are encouraged by the anonymity ( of Massively Multiplayer Online Games (MMOG).
Including examples in your thesis statement isn't really necessary. This has been rewritten a bit to make your point more clear.

Now, you should follow the SEEEC (Statement Example Example Example Conclusion) format. It is very simple to follow, and produces something that teachers like.

Your first body paragraph should argue that racism in encouraged by MMOGs. You should be abel to provide 3 examples to prove this.

The same goes for the next two paragraphs. Argue your points in they appear in your thesis, and provide 3 pieces of evidence to support each claim.

Your concluding parapgraph should briefly restate your thesis (but be sure not to sue the same words!), the evidence you presented, and provide some of your own insight on the topic.

Voila, you have written your very own 5 paragraph essay.

PtiteDiablesse · Jun 02, 2006, 06:33 PM // 18:33

Anyone in school, or anyone who does any sort of writing in their job should have one of these books.

Charqus · Jun 02, 2006, 07:23 PM // 19:23

Teachers never like things to do with games....
Apart from your maths teach or whateva [Math] was called :P