Curse

arcanemacabre · Apr 10, 2007, 06:30 AM // 06:30

This is just something fun I typed up. If you're not into "God" and "The Bible", this may be just the sattire you're looking for. If you are into "God" and "The Bible", and you have a sense of humor, you might enjoy it, too. All others need not continue

God's letter to the Universe, an RPG of reality...

Quote:

Dear wonderful devs,

I want to start off by telling you how awesome your game is, ya know, the Universe. Everything is so vast, and wide-open that I feel like I can do anything. In the beginning, I created my heavens, and my Earth, what I call my world. So, of course, my first character, Adam, did the usual free-will stuff, and took the quest "Out of Eden" along with my second character, Eve. After a while, I had a couple more characters, and decided to kill one of them off.

I now have my third toon, Cain, stuck in the land of Nod, where there's aparently all these other people, I'm assuming NPCs. My problem is, the NPCs don't want to do what I tell them. I keep trying different characters, now onto this one I named Noah, and they still keep just doing their own thing. Should I just kill them all and start over? Is there a quest that I'm not seeing?

Thanks,
God

Dear God,

Thank you for taking to time to write to us, God. It is good to hear that you like our game, and we enjoy offering support any time you need it.

It sounds that you need to accept the quest "Cleansing the Land", which can be found at the docks. You will need to collect two of every animal, and build a giant boat.

With regards,
The Universe

Dear devs,

Well thanks a lot, really. That was about the dumbest quest I think I've ever seen in any game, ever. I should've just started over, would have ended up about the same. Anyway, I think I might have reached the end of the game or something. The whole Exodus thing was fun, but now everyone's praising me and stuff, and they continuously offer "sacrifices", which is getting old. I even tried to kill off this one toon, Job, to no avail. Seriously, he just wouldn't die! Was like the Samson character, at least until I gave him a haircut, of all things. Seriously, WTF, a haircut?

Any ideas on how to get all these NPCs to stop acting like I'm all-powerful and crap? It was fun at first, but they're just wasting their lives and I really would like some kind of challenge. Anything would be better than this.

Thanks,
God

Dear God,

You have indeed reached the end of the game, but there is good news: You can now play as yourself as an avatar. Click on any random NPC (preferrably a woman), and select "Send an Angel to impregnate". In 9 months, you will have a new character with the title "Messiah". You can have all of your current powers, except you can play it off as a humble, normal character. We think you'll like this expansion as it allows for more role-playing options.

With regards,
The Universe

Dear devs,

Oh... My... umm...... myself! That was awesome! Just the challenge I was looking for. I only had to use my cheat codes, uhh, I mean powers a few times. I got to walk on water, res someone, and turn water into wine (which really kicked ass at that party). Thing is, I died, and even though I got ressed, for some reason, I can't play anymore. What's worse is these damn NPCs are all praising me again, except now they're worshipping my avatar or something. It's hard to tell. They all seem so confused or something.

I think I broke the game. Some are trying to worship my avatar, others don't even believe it existed. Personally, I couldn't care less, I just want to play, but none of the NPCs seem to really care about my world anymore. They either spend all their time worshipping or killing those who aren't worshipping. Is it supposed to be like this? So, umm, what do I do?

Displeased,
God

Dear God,

Thank you for playing "The Universe"! We hope you have enjoyed your gaming experience. You have indeed reached the end of the game (we never expected anyone to get as far as you have, you must have no life, loser! - j/k). You can choose to either start over, or just let it play out, as the NPCs have an AI that allows them to propogate the world and control it themselves.

With regards,
The Universe

Dear Devs,

QUOTE: "we never expected anyone to get as far as you have, you must have no life, loser! - j/k"

Whoa, what the hell was that for? I mean, even in jest that was pretty rude. You never considered that anyone would get this far? Well what else have I got to do? I'm confined to this reality, for pete's sake.

Anyway, geekness aside, I decided to just let things go. It's all good now, anyway. I mean yeah, they still kill themselves in wars and crap all the time, but they're getting along better than they were. Meh. A lot of them have calmed down on that whole "worshipping me" business, and they're starting to live their lives - which is a hell of a lot more fun. They're learning more about reality, and even making games of their own - watch out, Universe!

It's been fun, guys, but I'm out! Gonna go check out this other game. It's called Parallel Universe, though so many people keep saying it's a Universe clone. What, just because it has planets it's a clone? Pssh.

Thanks,
God

RPGmaniac · Apr 10, 2007, 06:46 AM // 06:46

Even the Christians can have a sense of humor, nice job, very funny!

Realm of Fiery Doom · Apr 10, 2007, 09:59 PM // 21:59

Hahahaha!!!!!

Quote:

Click on any random NPC (preferrably a woman), and select "Send an Angel to impregnate"

Preferrably a woman ... hahaha!!!

I pwnd U · Apr 10, 2007, 11:14 PM // 23:14

lol that was funny stuff!

Mister Overhill · Apr 11, 2007, 05:57 PM // 17:57

I am a Christian and I do take it seriously, but in the spirit of the post I offer the following.

If reality as it is can be (rather poorly) compared to a program (and is it not all code of some fashion)?, bodily death would appear to offer the following possibilities.

A: level up

B: start over with a new avatar

C: game over

Peace

Perynne · Apr 11, 2007, 07:43 PM // 19:43

I. Laughed. Out. Loud. XD This was great! Easy reading, and you really came up with some funny and original stuff there.

lacasner · Apr 11, 2007, 08:22 PM // 20:22

Funny Read

Fallen Hunter · Apr 11, 2007, 10:13 PM // 22:13

I like! Very clever

Mohnzh · Apr 12, 2007, 03:06 PM // 15:06

That was pretty funny. One problem: Job came before the Exodus (not in the sequence of the Bible, but chronologically he predated* the patriarchs). And Samson came WAAAAY after Job. And rather than God killing off Job, it might be more comparable to God PvPing using Job as his character and Satan casting a bunch of hexes. Otherwise, pretty funny

.

*When I say predated, I mean he came at an earlier time than Abraham and his descendants, not that he stalked and ate them.

Nice comment, Mister Overhill. I wonder how many see the metaphor.

Etta · Apr 12, 2007, 03:42 PM // 15:42

Man, this make me laugh

easily on the same level as Passion of the Christ 2 on family guy.

arcanemacabre · Apr 14, 2007, 08:38 AM // 08:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by Etta

Man, this make me laugh

easily on the same level as Passion of the Christ 2 on family guy.

Muahaha! You really see right through me, huh? I love some Family Guy. For all of you who also enjoy Peter and his shinanigans, and found my little biblical satire slightly amusing, take a gander at this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBZQfAYfH7s