Curse

Doomlord_Slayermann · Sep 23, 2005, 03:57 PM // 15:57

There is one mission in Guild Wars that is hated and feared above all others. It is hard not because the enemies are remotely challenging, but because one retarded group member can screw over the entire team.

Of course, this mission’s infamous reputation has lead to the writing of many strategy guides chiefly concerned with getting the player to the other side. This is, in my opinion, a highly unbalanced approach, since for every competent player trying to beat the mission there are about five or six who purposely (or so it seems) try to loose the mission for the entire group. I have thus assembled a guide to aid these n00bs in their quest to severely piss people off.

If you do want to beat the mission, then this guide is not for you. Now, onto the ancient wisdom I wish to share on how to really suck at Guild Wars.

Part I: Approaching the City

You will start out standing near King Jalis Ironhammer. Check to make sure that some of your party members have not loaded the map yet before charging recklessly into the first mob. Make sure to have your tank talk to the King so that he will charge directly into every melee whether or not he has sufficient health. It is possible that you are dead now, because the King got himself killed by a Phantasm barrage. If not, you must press on in your quest to loose!

The next section of the mission involves a fight on the bridge. If one of your party members is a smart player, he will attempt to pull one mob away from the other to make the combat easier. You must prevent this at all costs. Charge directly into the center of the mobs, take off your armor, and type /dance while standing in front of the boss. Your death will be quick and somewhat embarrassing.

If you somehow manage to pull through this section because the other party members used something called “strategy”, you must not be dissuaded! There are still many more ways to get yourself killed.

Part II: The City

This section is the easiest section to beat and thus one of the harder sections to loose at, even if you aggro multiple mobs. Try to get all the Giants and Archanists to attack at once near the top of the city, but don’t hope for too much. Those annoyingly competent players you have in your party will likely triumph nonetheless. It is in the Fort section that your chance to suck will truly be present!

Part III: The Fort

As you enter the fort, you will notice that an Elementalist boss lies in the center with various enemies on the walls of the fort. Your goal here should be to make all the enemies attack you at once so that there is practically no chance of survival. Suppose, however, that the party’s Monk has decided that you are a retard and does not resurrect you when you die. Wait until the cutscene plays (at which point the Monk will no longer be able to stop you!) and then get ready for utter suckage.

Enemies will approach from each door. You will have to guard both doors to win, so make sure to only guard one! The catapults on each side are useful in softening up the enemies first, so make sure to ignore their function completely. Your best bet is to run out the doors and start attacking random targets, never bothering to follow target calls. If a player at the other door asks for your help, reply with something along the lines of “STFU n00b I R T3H 1337 rotflol U R T3H SUXORZ!!!!!!!!!!!” and refuse to offer assistance no matter how many times you are asked.

Eventually, assuming that you have failed to fail, a boss will appear. If this is a caster boss, make sure to apply useless conditions like Crippling and Weakness to him. Do not try to interrupt his spells or otherwise hinder him from slaughtering you party. If a party member calls for the party to attack all the other enemies until only the boss is left, ignore him and keep hammering away mindlessly at the boss. If you get past all the bosses, then you win, so be sure that at least one of them owns your party. If all else fails, pull a bunch of enemies to the King and get him killed, instantly failing your party out of the mission.

Unhelpful Hints

Remember also that people who try to use strategy and common sense are n00bs and should be reminded of this constantly, preferably in all caps. Only n00bs call targets or tell the party when they can no longer cast healing spells. Ignore the n00bish calls and mindless charge in at the next mob. Do well at this, and there is zero chance of success in Thunderhead Keep.

Mavrik · Sep 23, 2005, 04:12 PM // 16:12

LOL way to funny, but I must ask... was this a product of you failing this mission over and over?

Alone) · Sep 23, 2005, 04:12 PM // 16:12

Wow.

...Great strategies. I should try this out.

Silmor · Sep 23, 2005, 04:12 PM // 16:12

I'd like to offer the following:

- Lighting the beacons on the fort (for the secondary mission) will put more pressure on the group in the form of thicker waves of enemies. Competent groups should be able to deal with this, but not if you have anything to say about it!

- Convince your teammates to kill the boss first. Every boss you kill starts a new wave of attacks, and new attacks taking place while you're still fighting off the minions from the last boss can only help your cause.

- Taking a Mursaat to meet the king is a sure way of failing this mission. One Spectral Agony is enough to send him into the afterlife, and especially in the thicker battles there's always a Jade Bow trying to slip by. Give him directions! Are teammates trying to distract the Mursaat from the important mission you have for them? Grab that enchanted torch and FORCE them to follow you!

octaviancmb · Sep 24, 2005, 07:36 AM // 07:36

I'll contribute the following:

- Make sure you're playing a Monk, and inform everyone that you're a healer, but secretly you've equipped your l33t axe skills! (Maybe bring Orison and control-click it so they think you're at least *trying* to do something.) It becomes far, far easier to kill your whole group if you, the healer, mindlessly rush into the frey, carrying the king in tow. Oh, and have 105 hp (55 is too little -- you want to be able to *at least* waste two of your team's resurrects on you).

- Constantly complain about how n00b the other Monk(s) are, blaming them for each of your (numerous) deaths.

- Make sure to call the group's leader a griefer (invent some reason, or give none at all), and threaten to report him to ANET.

- If you're not autorunning, dragging the king behind you, you're not doing the job. NEVER STOP!!! You might begin the run by shouting something like "Running teams to the Ring of Fire, donations accepted" as soon as the mission begins. But don't use proper spelling, punctuation, or English, of course.

- As soon as you die, start constantly spamming, "n00bs!!!!! j00 suk!" until they res you.

cmb

Eskimo Bob · Sep 24, 2005, 09:31 AM // 09:31

lol...

One good effiecent way: make a build so you can survive good. then run around gathering up mobs and dumping them on your party. Rinse and repeat. Actualy, forget the rinse. It gives your teammates extra seconds to recover.